Welcome to The Orange Mars, a Virtual O Den and general recovery center for the soul, or for those who have lost it.

Well, that was quite a fire. We are all safe, however, and only three people needed to go to the hospital.

All the ruckus certainly attracted my neighbor the Infotron relic across the street. He is a very bizarre character, who when I last visited was obsessed with large aerial photos of something called "Building 9." I asked him if that is where they kept the stuff collected from the UFO crash in Roswell, New Mexico and he became very agitated.

"Were the pictures of Building 9 taken from a UFO?" I asked. "Maybe you have a UFO out behind your place?" I politely inquired.

Convinced I was onto something I asked if maybe he wouldn't mind taking me for a ride in his UFO some time. He got all upset and harrumphed out of The Orange Mars, shouting something about "hop heads."

Later Hee caught our neighbor, Mr. "I Don't Have Any Freaking UFO You Idiot" looking in the windows of Lady Godiva's place next door. I hope he is enjoying the complimentary majoon. He certainly stuffed enough of it into his mouth while he stood in the foyer accusing me of "babbling about UFOs."

Since I still do not trust him, and Fareid, one of our Persian friends, says he thinks the fellow looks a lot like someone who used to hang out with Savak types at "The Company Picnic," a bar in pre- revolutionary Teheran," I would not allow him past the foyer, even though he did eat the week's supply of majoon and claimed he was going to vomit. Better luck next time Joe Friday!

We do not want our friends who are visiting to get lost, however, so please note:

Through the beaded entry to the right of the foyer is the Room of Many Mirrors. Some friends like to spend hours staring into the reflection of their own eyes. There is majoon, as well as a variety of herbal treats available for your pleasure in this room. We also offer Mountain Girl's Cream of Mushroom soup and if you are nice to Eagle of the Golden Road, he may make you one of his frosty Cactus Margueritas made with Gusano Rojo, anong other rare treats.

Across from there is the Library, where we stock all types of rare books by Poe, Ginsburg, Burroughs, Pynchon, Joyce, Faulkner, Dylan Thomas, DeQuincey, Huxley and of course many other fine works of fiction, nonfiction and reference materials to inspire the academic in all our friends. It is a wonderful place to relax, and perhaps listen to recordings of Neal Cassady calmly discussing life.

While reading or relaxing, one may feel free to order anything from The Lush of Life Lanai, which is directly behind the Library. There we serve absinthe and our own special version of the Mickey Finn along with all sorts of herbal beverages, including a special "Baby Hawaiian" Tea.

Of course, most come to The Orange Mars because it is a Virtual O Den. Friends should find Mr. Hee's son, Hee, Jr., to be led to the secret passage and down the rickety stairs to the dark room of many wooden cubicles where friends are welcome to recline for hours or days. Each cubicle has a mattress, warm quilt, an oil lamp, and of course a bell to summon Hee to fill a bowl or slap anyone turning an unsightly shade of blue. Privacy being a paramount concern with our friends, each cubicle has a unique curtain covering it's entry. Many a Kennedy has complemented us on the worn looking muslin draping which marks their family's permanently reserved cubicle.

Out Back is the world reknown Ho Chi Minh Rehabilitation, Re-education and Recreation Center, where Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous and Unanimous Meetings are held at all hours of the day and night. Why not go have a look around for yourself?

Excuse me now. I will be back shortly. I want to see if perhaps the majoon has changed my neighbor's mind about letting me take a ride in his UFO.

Until later, Sahib......