We have tempered these practices with Old World style nursing practices learned by my Great Aunt, Jiang Jing from her reading, during rest stops on the Long March, of an English translation of that Russian classic of nursing, Gangrene in the Gulag or Nursing Under Uncle Jo. That's why I wear the chef's hat.
After our program was certified by the State of California, Bao Dai, who was then acting as Medical Director under a forged license, discovered some practices which critics claim are unique to the Center were originally developed by a small band of psychotic Viet Cong officers who thought of themselves as followers of Ho Chi Minh, but were subsequently shot by their own government as War Criminals.
As it turns out, however, our method works just about as well as any employed by Chemical Dependency Treatment Centers, so, as the fortune cookie I got last night said, "Confucius say: "Don't fix what not broke."
This month I wish to discuss the treatment of what are known in nursing circles as "problem" patients. Maybe at your hospital they push the call button repeatedly and by the time you get there they have passed out in pain. Maybe they can't walk and object to sitting in a bed pan full of their own crap while you take a two hour dinner break. Maybe they have some complaint about you stealing their medication and then nodding out when you bring their dinner.
Here at the Center we have a saying: "Patients are like Medicare Auditers - they are all self righteous pains in the ass." Anyway, this is how we deal with some of our more problematic patients.
In Tiger Cage Number Three we have Mr. Cheech the One Legged Mexican Dope Fiend. He lost his leg after fixing in his foot with a needle he found in the bathroom of the Free Clinic in Funkyglades, Florida. He ignored the small infection, being afraid that if he went to a doctor he might be put on Methadone, something numerous drug dealers had warned against.
As infections do, Mr. Cheech's spread. It probably would have killed him except for the intervention of a tire iron wielding heroin dealer to whom Mr. Cheech owed $20. While getting stitched up at the Emergency Room, a kindly young resident sliced off his leg.
Visiting psychiatrists from the Pol Pot Center for Refugees in Cambodia theorized that Mr. Cheech let the infection spread so dangerously because he had never had any morphine. Boy was he ticked off when they came around and poked his butt with a needle full of Demerol when he came around.
Now one would normally not think that someone like Mr. Cheech, who wouldn't give Methadone Maintenance a try because he'd known "too many people for who it worked", at an expensive place like the world famous Ho Chi Minh Memorial Rehabilitation, Re-education & Recreation Center. Well, Dr. Minayshun is an expert at bilking Medi-Cal and similar programs as proven by his convictions for fraud in 27 states over the past decade.
While Mr. Cheech's main problem is an addiction to opiates, for which Dr. Minayshun normally recommends the patient undergo his patent pending Super Truly Ultra Prompt Deluxe Intoxicant Detoxification Procedure yearly (more frequently if the patient has the funds or an idiotic insurer) because the STUPIDª is, in his words, a "freaking money machine if the patient don't croak on the table or while relapsing," some benefactors of Mr. Cheech brought him to the Center in the trunk of a Lincoln Mark VIII and offered to pay cash for Mr. Cheech to undergo the doctor's latest treatment advancement, the Chain Saw Lobotomy.
Mr. Cheech is scheduled for surgery next week and we expect him to be released from the Center by Memorial Day, sooner if there are any complications.
Like many patients, Mr. Cheech is in denial and claims he does not need the surgery. To control the antsy patient like Mr. Cheech randomly alternate canings with electro - shock therapy while maintaining him, for his comfort, on some bath tub Fentanyl Cousin Ching makes up at the family homestead at my family's new homeThe Hee Family House.
Of course the injections are administered at intervals determined by a random number generator hooked up to the dosing computer of the IV pump we have stuck in Mr. Cheech's jugular vein in accordance with the traditions of arbitrariness and capriciousness upon which the Center is founded.
Another very difficult patient - you might even call him a pain in the ass - is in Tiger Cage Number 97.1 (specially named in honor of his favorite radio station). His name is Johnny B.
Johnny insists he is not an alcoholic or a drug addict. This is known as denial. In many ways he is worse off than Mr. Cheech - well, at least until the surgery - for Mr. Cheech admits he is a drug addict. As anyone familiar with the 12 Steps of either Alcoholics Anonymous or Alcoholics Unanimous of any of the hundreds of other groups which has plagerized their stuff knows, you can't very well take the second step without taking the first.
Johnny has other issues as well. He has a serious case of Bossjockitis and we suspect many of his problems stem from the fact that Howard Stern bitch slapped him out of Chicago A.M. Drive Time, and he has been reduced to taping his lame ass radio "showgram" so that it follows Mr. Stern's in Los Angeles and Chicago, which means it starts whenever Mr. Stern decides he's through with his program.
Johnny was refereed to the Center after he bottomed out on April 24, 1998 and, exhibiting acute signs of Howardwannabetes had someone on the telephone use the FCC prohibited "F-word" without dumping it, thinking it would be okay if someone else said it.
So how do we deal with this idiot who is constantly annoying our other patients by screaming that he does not belong here? Well, Dr. Minayshun has prescribed that little Walkman for him. It constantly plays what Johnny B. believes is a long, incredibly boring broadcast of Howard Stern "interviewing" Lenny Bruce. While Johnny B. denied the "broadcast" was real, a prescribed course of ever increasing doses of methamphetamine which have kept him awake since he came to the Center soon resulted in that nasty bugaboo of amphetamine psychosis. In truth, he no longer needs the Walkman to hear the interview. In fact, he thinks he is watching it on TV.
But how, you wonder, does this do anything to shut him up? It doesn't of course, and therefore we have stuffed a pair of socks down his throat.
Dr. Minayshun feels the prognosis for Johnny B. is good, and some form of treatment will begin, just as soon as he admits he has a problem. Granted, this may prove difficult with the socks and all, but as the good doctor says, "we shall burn that bridge when and if we come to it."
In Cage Number 12 - our "Solitary Confinement" Cage, located behind the bushes around the ping pong table - we have Charles L. When he arrived at the Center, Charles was suffering from chronic Egomania marked with acute bouts of Idmania. As an attorney with a penchant for sexually harassing women employees of his firm, the ruling in the Paula Jones case simply proved too much for him and, according to his partners, who "referred" him here, he had taken to calling women into his office, dropping trou and making boorish requests.
While we are investigating the claims of his wife that "the referral" is part of a devious plot concocted by several of his partners to get around the agreement he forced them to sign requiring them to pay her $1,000,000 upon his retirement or death, his treatment consists of - well, solitary confinement in the nude - after all, it's not as if any one is paying us much of anything to care for him. Indeed, if angry visitors did not throw the occasional can of Ensure at him the old fool probably would have died by now.
Besides, Dr. Minayshun is confident that having to do a little self reflection may be all the treatment old Chuckles needs.
Well, that's just a few of our more difficult patients and how we deal with their unique problems here at the world renown Ho Chi Minh Memorial Rehabilitation, Re-education & Recreation Center. Please feel free to contact us should you have a patient problem, or perhaps have someone with good insurance you feel could be helped by a stay at The Ho Chi Minh Memorial Rehabilitation, Re-education & Recreation Center. Other routes to a healthy recovery can be found below.
Reflecting upon the self is an important part of spiritual recovery. Accordingly, we have devoted this space to those who wish to reflect upon, critique, tear down or generally insult The Orange Mars. Simply e-mail your comments. We may be kind enough to reply - and if your message is nasty or thought provoking enough, we may post it here.
Many have come to the Center depressed, lost and deeply stressed only to leave with a fresh outlook on life. Some of the epiphanies which have been reached out back here, either after hours spent inside The Orange Mars or through "simple meditation" in one of the bamboo tiger cages you see hanging about include:
- Mr. Gorbachev decided the reinforced concrete of the Berlin Wall would make an excellent private shelter at his dachau in the event of "disturbances" resulting from the Post Cold War Nuclear Weapons trade with insane Third World Egomaniacs. Hence he decided it was best the Wall come down.
- Just after Law School graduation Bill Clinton was in a tiger cage reflecting on scripture while attached to a Delco Battery with jump cables from his astro turf carpeted El Camino ("Just for kicks"). It was then he decided that oral sex really did not count in the big scheme of things.
- After hours spent reclining in a cubicle inside Richard Nixon came out and told the moon he was not a crook. The rest is history.
Please feel free to stroll in our garden and try the tiger cages and various torture devices lying about. You may reflect for moments or hours or days or even take a dip in our reflecting pool - only please remember, clothing is not optional and incontinence will earn you three months in the Tianamen Square Memorial Freedom Box.
Of course, in the spirit of the nation created by Ho, and that left by my grandfather Dai, we reserve the right to enforce any punishment we might decide applies to any given act at any given time. Arbitrariness and capriciousness are time honored traditions here at the Center.
Rehabilitation
Out back here at The Orange Mars we offer not only tainted BBQs and random beatings, but constant 12 Step meetings. As recovering members of Bandwidth Anonymous, we post below the 12 Steps/Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (NA, CA, OA, BA, et cetera just ripped them off from AA anyway) as well as the 12 Steps/Traditions of Alcoholics Unanimous - not surprisingly, NU, CU, OU et cetera plagiarized these as well.
The 12 Steps of AU
1) We can and do control our drinking - our lives are really together, and if you don't agree, we'll gladly flush your head down the nearest toilet.
2) Decided there was no power greater than Ourselves.
3) Decided to have another drink, and/or another whatever of the drug of Our choice, to help Us deal with it.
4) Decided what was wrong with everyone else.
5) Discussed those problems we had so insightfully seen in others with everyone, except, of course, the person with the problem.
6) Had another drink while We tried to figure out the best way to deal with others' character defects.
7) Had another drink, this one a double.
8) Made a list, on reams of paper, of all the people who had harmed us and decided it was time to set things right.
9) Told all these jerks exactly what we thought of them, regardless of who got hurt, and where possible, got revenge.
10) Continued to be highly judgmental, and let people know exactly what was wrong with them.
11) Had another drink, and/or another whatever of the drug of Our choice, this one a triple, and mulled things over.
12) We encouraged others to be as much like us as possible, and when they did not meet our standards, we dropped them like a bad habit.
The 12 Traditions of AU
1) While it's nice to share the bottle, in the end it's better to be really loaded alone than sharing a buzz with friends.
2) If You can become top dog, go for it! Let nothing stand in your way and once You've gained that beach head, guard it. Remember, as Kissinger said, "absolute power corrupts absolutely." You may even be able to make a few bucks off leading a group of AU. May we suggest a pyramid scheme?
3) The only requirement for AU membership is BYOB (and/or a sufficient quantity of the intoxicating drug of your choice) and $10 a month (see Tradition Nine).
4) Members are autonomous. Each group leader should insist members refrain from bugging others with personal problems unless the other is feigning sympathy in order to get into the member's pants.
5) Each member has two primary purposes - (1) to get as loaded as possible without urinating or defecating or vomiting on his/herself, and (2) donating as much money to AU as possible (see Tradition Nine).
6) AU groups should try to get as many big money endorsement deals as possible for AU. AU members should gladly allow their clubs, homes, cars, clothes and even bodies to be used as billboards for anyone stupid enough to shell out the money (see Tradition Nine).
7) If someone is fool enough to offer us money, TAKE IT!! Members should be encouraged to tithe annually, based upon both gross earnings and gross net worth (see Tradition Nine).
8) Alcoholics Unanimous groups and members are encouraged to own liquor stores - the bigger the better (e.g. ones with names like "The Booze Barn", "World of Wines", "Beer By The Boat", "Galaxy of Gin", "The Vodka Vault", "First National Bourbon Bank", "Cocktail Country", etc.). Additionally, AU is dedicated to making drinking games like "Quarters" Olympic, and then professional sports. AU also has a game show in development called "Drinking for Dollars."
9) AU World Services Organization (AUWSO) is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Acme Bottling & Sundries Company, SA, a subsidiary of Buss Family Enterprises (BFE), a wholly owned subsidiary of the Gamu International Group (GIG). Each AU group is required to give 40% of any and all money obtained in any manner, as well as a 40% interest in any other things of value obtained (e.g. buildings, cars, boats, vast expanses of undeveloped real property) to AUWSO. Monetary payments should be made in Swiss Francs and deposited directly into Account No, 42455234444, Bank of Zurich. How individual AU groups are organized is something about which AUWSO would prefer to remain ignorant.
10) Alcoholics Unanimous has a position on every conceivable issue and favors bribery as a means of influencing those who make public policy.
11) We have found that advertising is an effective way to increase membership and thus donations, especially when we can confuse the public so they think we are somehow related to AA.
12) Our spiritual foundations are greed and hedonism, ever reminding us to place principals [like AUWSO] above all principles before anyone's personal feelings or well being.
Recreation
In addition to being free to watch public floggings and throwing garbage at those who have come to reflect upon life and life's misadventures, we have an old ping pong table behind the BBQ pit which our friends are free to use.
You will notice that Tiger Cage 66 is hanging over the Reflecting Pool, and there's a very good reason for that - you see, it holds a "special" patient: the scum sucking fraudfeasor and all around psychotic nightmare named Laurence Alderman.
Now you may be surprised that we are treating a "person" such as Larry. Well, Larry is the type of con man (I wouldn't call him an artist), who gives serious scam artists a bad name. For Christ's sake, if you're going to run some bogus medical scam on the sick and desperate, at least have a damned clinic or something! Sell them some watered down gin! Grind up some apricot pits you lazy piece of crap!
Er, sorry. I was overcome by the fumes generated by Larry's diet of refried beans, rat droppings and epsom salts - what can I say? I would find such conduct atrocious - BUT - I would at least understand it if he was making a few bucks off it to feed some filthy drug habit.
Not Larry Alderman though folks. He's the type of jerk who would wander up your driveway and offer to "repave" it for free and then spray it with a mixture of oil and dioxin just to watch you get cancer. You see, unlike respectable con artists, Larry's "joy" does not come from monetary reward. He enjoys simply ruining the lives of perfectly nice people.
And that's why he needs treatment here at the Center. By the way - has anyone seen the famous Dr. Hunter S. Thompson? He was supposed to consult with me on this case.... of well, they're dedicating the Library to him, so I imagine he's busy......
Anyway, we have suspended Cage 66 with the naked Patient Alderman inside over the Pool so that he may reflect upon his many, er, indiscretions.
He was captured by the campus police masturbating like a chimpanzee on a yohimbine drip while running naked around the women's dorms at Yale and shipped directly here for safe keeping. Let me tell you, it has not been easy treating Mr. Alderman, or Larr as we like to call him while pelting him with wet dung. What with the numerous prosecutors parading Grand Jury after Grand Jury through here, the crowd we had when the American Psychiatric Association met nearby recently and insisted on visiting to view the subject - I mean Larr - and those infernal field trips led by well meaning First Grade Teachers and Nuns trying to show students exactly what we in civilized society definitely do not want them to become.... well, it's taxing, I'll tell you, taxing.... and that endless whirrrrrrrr of the fax machine, pumping forth ever more paper listing ever more allegations against this inhumane rodent Alderman.... he's very taxing.
But of course for purely benevolent reasons I won't go into a lot of detail about the particulars of the constantly expanding charges against him. Let us just say that Mr. Alderman falsely represented himself as a medical doctor offering revolutionary treatment, or at least a form of a life saving treatment modality which was represented to be a lot less degrading to those requiring it to lead normal lives than is generally offered in America.
He searched the Internet in search of desperate patients who might be interested in receiving treatment at one of his "clinics."
But you see, Larr - that's right boys, it's almost time for him to be caned on the balance beam, so get it in place - I don't care if there's a crowd of people here listening to this, I have told you over and over he may not have a Kleenex to cover his private parts - why you can hardly see it anyway - it would be a waste of good paper - do you think we are - anti- tree here at the Center or something? - excuse me, now where was I - yes, you see, Laurence Alderman was not the Medical Doctor he claimed. He had no clinics - just desperate patients risking their lives and sanity based on his deluded representations.
One woman died as a result - well, there are suspicions - ISN'T THAT RIGHT LARRY? THAT'S RIGHT YOU LITTLE PECKER HEAD, THOSE ARE PIRANHA NURSE SALLY'S PUTTING INTO THE REFLECTING POOL TODAY. AREN'T THEY PRETTY?????
Another poor woman - the one who uncovered the shenanigans of "Doctor" Larry - and now has every prosecutor in America licking his chops as if they were going to get a second shot at O.J. - well, she was literally tortured by this ugly freak and well, while I don't like to say such things, almost lost her life in more ways than one. Yes, she was just a bus ticket away from spiritual and emotional if not physical death when....
Well, we'll never know why, but she suddenly wised up - and she was no fool to begin with mind you. Larr had everyone fooled. He even had a well respected Chicagoland (you know, the Windy City...that toddlin' kinda town) physician specializing in the same field Larry claimed expertise fooled - and you would think HE could have recognized the odor of stock yards and slaughter houses given his, er, unique location.
That's right Pol Pot Chiang - he's one of our handlers here at the Center - takes after his Grandpa he does - we'll be caning Larry right on the rump today after the traditional "Throwing of Animal Dung at Scum of Earth" ceremony - you know we find our other patients enjoy such rituals, and I feel it's important to their recovery....
Anyway, we hope you will take the time to let us here from you if you have any complaints against Larry. We'd like to get all the charges and jurisdictional issues wrapped up before we release him - DAMN IT SAMMY HEE - I'VE TOLD YOU IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET A NET TO FISH HIM OUT IF HE FALLS IN, GET SOMETHING DECENT BEFORE HE GOES OUT ON THE BALANCE BEAM. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANOTHER "LOST" TOE TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM - EITHER PULL HIM OUT RIGHT THIS TIME OR DON'T DO IT AT ALL. BESIDES, HE'S SCHEDULED TO BE THE ATTRACTION AT A BUGGERERS UNANIMOUS MEETING AFTER THIS!!!!!
I swear [chuckle], these kids today. They mean well enough.
I suppose cruelty is its own reward in his world.... I'm just happy I don't have to visit it.
Alright, Pol Pot Chiang, on three, five swacks with the bamboo rod and than it's Sammy's turn - and then let's let each patient get a whack in, shall we?
Ready.... One, Two, Threeeeeeeeeeeeee!
AN INTERVIEW WITH THE DOCTOR
The world famous Ho Chi Minh Memorial Rehabilitation, Re-education & Recreation Center is now under the medical direction of Dr. L.U. Minayshun. Tao Sin Amici, also known as The Anonymous One for his ability to float like a specter through crowds, popping up uninvited at parties, weddings, wakes, et cetera much to the general annoyance of most, recently interviewed the good Dr. Minayshun concerning revolutionary techniques employed at the Center.
We placed the interview on a loop tape accompanied by cheap porn, circa 1974 for the educational benefit of all.
We also recognize that some people who find themselves here at The Ho Chi Minh Memorial Rehabilitation, Re-education & Recreation Center are not "ready" to reform their amoral ways, and are just interested in another cheap thrill...
Oh - the tape is beginning. Let's listen!
Tao : Dr. Minayshun, I understand you have a rather unique view of Rehabilitation....
Dr. Minayshun : Yes, Tao, here at the world our renown Ho Chi Minh Rehabilitation, Re-education & Recreation Center motto is "Let a thousand flowers bloom. In time, enough will die off and we will figure out what works."
Tao : So you don't see losing a patient as a problem.
Dr. M : Lose one? Heck, every day we loose at least a dozen. We usually find them inside the Orange Mars, or at the liquor store down the street, or sometimes we just forget they are hanging upside down with bamboo shoots hammered under their fingernails. One never knows [chuckle].
Tao: I meant lose one as in die.
Dr. M : Well of course we don't want our patients dying on us Tao! If we're worried about suicide, well, that's one reason we have so many tiger cages - the other, of course is that the Vietnamese don't take nearly as many prisoners on parades through villages as they did back in the war years, and we were able to get them dirt cheap.
Tao: While all this "thousand flowers blooming" crap sounds good in the brochures, rumor has it you've come up with a rather radical treatment for the constantly relapsing patient. Care to discuss it.
Dr. M : Of course. Are you referring to CSL or the STUPID Procedure?
Tao: Well, what is CSL?
Dr. M : The Chain Saw Lobotomy. It's a therapy reserved for the most annoying coke fiends. I would rather discuss my new book.
Tao: In a minute, Doc. Why are you performing lobotomies on cocaine addicts?
Dr. M: Frankly because they bother the crap out of the heroin addicts and boozers - and me. Of course it's a therapy of last resort, and normally we have to pawn all their gold chains to pay for it - I mean even with the price of gas low they tend to squirm around so much we need to go through several gallons, and the insurers don't like to pay us for it - so afterward, they really can't even make a CA Meeting.
Tao : Why on earth would anyone undergo such radical surgery.
Dr. M : Well, Tao, it is rarely voluntary. We zonk them out with ether and then forge their names. When they wake up they're usually strapped down and we have their heads shaved and all marked up with a Magic Marker.
Tao : Well if they don't volunteer, how do you select them.
Dr. M : Usually a vote - that's Group Conscience in 12 Stepese - of whoever happens to be around.
Tao: And it works?
Dr. M: Like a charm. See, after we get the forehead off we just pour in a fifth of gin, then we slice the frontal lobe just so, creating Slots A and B. Next, we insert one set of wires into Slot A and another into Slot B, taking out a few random bits of gray matter so we get a good fit. Then we just clamp the wire in Slot A onto the Positive Post, and those in Slot B onto the Negative Post of a Delco Car Battery - oh, wait, I've got it reversed- well, you get the general picture, I'm sure.
Tao: Don't you have any less invasive forms of therapy?
Dr. M: Not for coke fiends - I mean we could shoot them....
Tao: (coughing) Ahem, well, that would be one way - er, what's this stupid procedure you mentioned.
Dr. M: Oh, that's the biggest money maker in the treatment business today! The Super Truly Ultra Prompt Deluxe Intoxicant Detoxification Procedure. We just knock the buggers out, flush their systems of whatever then, assuming they don't die on the table, or overdose once they leave the center, 90 per cent relapse, and of those, 50% come back for another STUPID Procedure within - well, just as soon as their insurer will allow it or they can rob a bank or whatever.
Tao: Well, Doc, that really is a stupid procedure.
Dr. M: That's what it's called!
LOUD SPEAKER: Paging Dr. Minayshun. We have a Code Purple over by the Ping Pong Table. Paging Dr. Minayshun.
Dr. M: Excuse me, I must go....
Tao: What's a Code Purple.
Dr. M: It is, a, uh, well - let me see how to put this in layman's terms.... the ball got hit in the bushes again. I really must go.
Tao: Bye Doc.
An Interview with the Bennett Brothers
Tao Sin Amici, a journalist type who often visits The Orange Mars has just stumbled up the stairs into the library and come across The Brothers Bennett - Bill and Bob. LetÕs listen in:
TAO: Hey, arenÕt you guys the Bennettes? What are you guys doing at The Orange Mars?
BILL: Huh? Who are you? One of the amoral hop heads who we keep bumping into? WeÕre just browsing you filthy little slant eyed zipper head! IÕm getting material for a screenplay based on my best seller, The Book of Virtues if itÕs any of your stinking business.
BOB: And I was here conferring with some clients, but theyÕre passed out in Cubicle 306. Hey! What is that - a tape recorder? You look like Linda Tripp in some sort of cheap Groucho mask. Where did you get that lousy make over Linda? - The Jerry Springer Show or something? Look Linda, you may have fooled Monica and God knows how many of your other so-called friends, but....
TAO: Gentlemen, I assure you both I am not Linda Tripp. I am a big fan of you both. NameÕs Tao Sin Amici and how about letting me buy you both a frosty San Pedro Marguerita?
BILL: San Pedro Marguerita? I am a bit thirsty. What do they taste like?
TAO: Well, itÕs sort of... shall we say lime... sort of fibrous lime. But you fellows donÕt drink, do you?
BILL: Hell yes we do. Where did you get that idea? Sounds good. Order me a triple.
BOB: IÕm due to call the President later over that lying Willey Bimbo. Better make mine a single.
TAO: Oh Hee, one triple SPM for Bill here and a regular one for Bob. IÕll just have my usual tea with eighteen sugars - weÕll be right here in the old biblioteca. Why donÕt we sit down at that table, gentlemen?
BILL: So you say youÕre a big fan?
TAO: Oh, you bet. Sorry to have to shout over the blender. Some of the ingredients are a little - well, you know, all the ice. Anyway - ah, here are our drinks now. Anyway, I just loved the Book of Virtues and hung on every word when you were Drug Czar, Bill - and Bob, I just think youÕre doing a smash up job defending El Presidente in the Jones case. Does ego mania run in your family?
BOB: Christ! This is the foulest tasting drink I ever....
BILL: Ah! See, Bob, you have to take it all down in one big gulp. Then it just leaves that dark taste of tequila, lime and that Kosher salt. Uuuurrrrrrrpp!
BOB [chugging drink]: Oh yes, I see what you mean! But - my mouth theemsth to be going numb....
TAO: Not to worry, Bob - thatÕs because the San Pedro Marguerita is made with Gusano Rojo Mescal.
BILL: Hey - I thought it was tequila! MescalÕs not the stuff mescaline is made out of, is it?
TAO: Not the mescal, Bill. I promise. Not even if you got the worm. Mescal is sort of, well - special tequila.
BILL: ThatÕs right - now I remember [chuckle] - barely.
BOB: Worm?
BILL: DonÕt worry about it dear brother. I spent the night drinking mescal with the President of Mexico during the first Certification process. Stuff packs a wallop, but is harmless. Anyone got a cigarette?
TAO: I thought as Drug Czar you had to give them up?
BILL: Nah - that was just P.R. so the millions of youngsters who would inevitably want to emulate me wouldnÕt take up the habit.
TAO: Well, harass a Lark.
BILL: A Lark? Why that sounds like something one of my brotherÕs clients might have with a high school cheerleader from Mississippi. How about a real smoke. Hee - bring me a box of English Ovals and put it on my friend TaoÕs tab. Ha, ha - TaoÕs tab. Tabublabatab. Ha, ha. And bring me a couple cold Tecates while youÕre at it.
BOB: I thonÕt know how IÕm thuppothed to thpeak with the Prethadent with thith numb mouth. Why ith my tongue growink?
BILL: Especially at that rate Bobby Boy. Here - drink one of these beers - itÕll clear your pipes. Whoa - did you see that?
BOB - Whath? Thankth for the beer.
BILL: What what? What the hell are you talking about?
BOB: Thiny can!
BILL: Bobby could never hold his liquor. Look at him! Just staring off into space like one of you filthy hop heads. Got a light?
TAO: Well maybe now would be a good time for you to tell me, Bill - what does it feel like for a virtuous guy like you having a brother representing the Leader of the Free World on morals charges?
BILL: Well, IÕll tell you, Tao. First, having a brother feels just like being part of the molecular structure of this table. Really. If you could only see our DNA intertwine in this spiraling blend of white, and, of course, red and blue - red for the scarlet letter panderers who are my brotherÕs clientele and blue for their the color I want every oneÕs balls not to mention the type of movies we keep locked in a closet with our cousin Bruce up at the cabin....
BOB: I donÕt quithe....
BILL: ...and red for the communists we have rid the world of - except for little slanty eyed critters like you Tao...
BOB: .... think ith re-e-e-ally like thasth. But the table ... why ith it all tho thlow??
BILL: Watch out for that comet! Whoa! Did you see that! Almost split Bobby in two!
TAO: But seriously, fellows, donÕt you find it somewhat ironic that one of you defines what is immoral in America and the other defends the Chief Executive when heÕs accused of acting, well, immorally.
BOB: Did you knowwwww your hand....
BILL: Listen you gooky little freak! Just consider us the original full service ethical brotherhood of the United Knights of the... God! I need air. AIR!
TAO: Mr. Hee! Better get Mr. Bill Bennett outside to the Ho Chi Minh Rehabilitation, Re-education & Recreation Center. And you, Bob. you can come out from under the table and join him if you like.
BOB: Did the big Troll leave?
TAO: You might say so. You fellows sure do sweat a lot. Oh well, I guess brothers will be brothers. It sure was nice meeting you. A real honor. Bob? Bob? Yes Bob, I promise your fingers will stay on your hand ... you donÕt need to keep counting them. Why not join your brother for a little ping pong. I doubt you fellows will need any equipment for a few hours.