OR THE REAL WORLD COMES TO NEW ORLEANS
NOTE: Bao Dai of Hollywood, donning his Nostradamus costume, may
make some predictions in the following installment, and if you tune back
regularly, and if this site does not become the cyber equivalent of a
homeless person on crack (see: [HUH? Click
here!], you'll be able to see if BDH is right or wrong and then poke
jolly at him or throw beer bottles or whatever.
EPISODES 16,17 & 18: HATRED HEARTS
Jamie tells Matt he is seeking a more spiritual life (or something). Then
he tries to find it in Mormon Girl's pants, Sparks fly between Jamie and
Mormon Girl until things get so hot a little colored boy from the
neighborhood forces them into a mudpit to cool down, but it only heats
things up until, at the New Orleans Jazz Festival, Jamie finds his higher
consciousness ... his spirituality de jour so to speak, with Julie's head
in his lap....
Then a strange thing happens. They uncouple and it's like that episode of
the Simpsons where the real Seymour Skinner returns and Springfield
decides it doesn't like him so they send him off and a judge decrees that
no one will ever speak of it again.
Julie then starts dating like my ex-wife.
Meanwhile, Melissa tries painting to soothe the crazed demons of her soul,
and through her teacher, Matt meets an ebony beauty and gives her his web
site address, asking her to sign his guest book... well Julie, who clearly
still has the hots for Matt who still clearly has a boner (assuming he can
get one) for her pretends she's this chick, signs his web site as this
chick and Matt gets the girl's number, calls and makes a total fool of
himself which is OK because I thought the babe was a transvestite
anyway... hey, New Orleans, you can't be too careful.
Speaking of not caring, David tries to produce another of their TV
shows... this one an unscripted "fashion show" featuring a bunch of
strippers and him in their own bathing suits. It's good, they say, but
then hey... public access fucking TV... my bare ass would look better than
most of the crap they put on there.
Still in heat, David decides to have a "stripper hot tub party". They
couldn't show much of it because... well, the hot tub was very bootified
and juicefull and skanky. David knows he's hated by the house, and
frankly, doesn't give a shit. As he says "Everyone just want to hate on
me." Well learn English you nimrod -- maybe you could communicate with
those other dorks.
And as an ugly storm gathers over Belfort Mansion where lightning will
strike letting David know what a shit heel they think he is to them,
anyone who can't see that Matt and Julie belong locked in eternal virginal
lust is fucking blind. Shit, even her gay hairdresser knows for
sure......
EPISODES 14+15: JULIE, JULIE, JULIE
Four months into it, almost at the end, as Kelly is deciding to either
emotionally castrate or Paul, her (not Danny's) infrequently seen and
probably married lover, the show finally gets good... but first....
1. Notice how Melissa has sort of stayed in the background after she
announced she was going to a shrink due to an impending mental
breakdown? They have many miracle drugs to help her kind today... Prozac,
Valium, Xanax, Zoloft, and fortunately in her case (and for our viewing
sanity) some docs still insist on massive doses of Thorazine and the
occasional electrical shock to the head (or are the rumors true? Was she
lobotomized?). Anyway, the end result is that psycho bitch has finally
shut up;
2. Everyone Hates Jamie will be on CBS' Monday line-up of Summer
Replacement shows;
3. Tec, to go back to the golden age of The Real World which was on
Hawaii, now has a soulful hip hop show on MTV each afternoon, somehow
getting blacker by the minute; and
4. Although it looked like David was coming out of his shell in Africa,
rumor has it he went back to Belfort, sequestered himself in a room with a
case of Mad Dog 20/20 a kilo of coke and a pound of baking soda and lots
of steroids. God only knows what the fuck will crawl out in the season
finale.
Now for our girl Julie, whose relationship with her domineering father
dominated these two episodes... good shit, man... young Mormon Girl who
spent her life doing right by Daddy struggles with guilt and the
uncontrollable need to curse while her father acts like, well, a
father.
Julie is so cute in this role I just wanted to crawl into the TV
and hold her and maybe nuzzle her neck and then.... sorry... cold shower
time.
Anyway, Mom and Dad and brothers and sisters arrive (Mormons have lots of
kids because they want to make sure there's at least two virgins left to
sacrifice to Quezacoatl in the event of a really bad wild Indian attack or
something). Oddly, they also brought along a Mormon punk rock band, and a
good deal of the Episode 14 is spent with Danny teaching these young men
the joys of man love -- or maybe it was that they figured him for a
pervert (and so all stripped and hopped into the hot tub with him... wait,
that was Undressed and those were women... sorry, MTV is just so
gay any more I'm easily confused. These boys were homophobic, or so my
so-called often totally wrong TV Guide Cable Thing said... although in my
opinion they were just stupid, saying stupid things -- essentially asking
Danny what it's like to be a hell bound faggot which culminated in a
little speech in the Confessional by Danny (whose head kept trying to
dodge credits -- it was pretty fucking amazing) about the societal stigma
of being gay and how he wanted to represent gay America to these boys, but
since he was only one guy, didn't really feel up to it (hmmmmmmm).
But it was Julie's show(s) to shine, and she did so brilliantly, running
the gamut of emotions from elation to anger to tears as she and her father
had one of those classic moments about which The Real World is,
well, really all about: Teen to Twenty Something Angst and Rebellion (she
has a tattoo; Dad doesn't like her toe ring, or the fact she's wearing a
sweater, or that David is black or that Melissa is insane or that Kelly
(who understands him) is a self proclaimed "Neurotic Bitch" ("Not a psycho
bitch!").
Mr. Mormon is like a guy who acts like a Dad who fought in WW2, but he's
too young: he's also got a virginal daughter who is suddenly cursing like
a sailor, sleeping with a homosexual male, missing temple and going to
raves (presumably without Ecstasy but with "weird" (to him) make up
smeared when she wanders into the mansion ion a daze at seven a.m..
Actually it's little wonder David was in hiding freebasing and working out
and Melissa was in a Thorazine stupor and Danny's upstairs sequestered
with a wide range of sex toys and everyone else stayed out of his
way... well, except Matt... who used his albino skin to imitate the
"Murdering Ghost of Belfort Manor" and finally chased Julie's family back
to where ever the fuck they came from (actually, he didn't, but it would
have made a good show better).
EPISODES 12+13: PSYCHO BITCHES
RUTTIN' ON DA BAYOU
The gang is back from Africa and horny as hell... jungle lust and all that
shit... well, at least for Mormon Girl, who is looking for boys in all the
wrong places, and meets a gay one named Matt.
This Matt, who was on for all of two seconds is not to be confused with
the house mate Matt (who everyone knows should get it on with Julie before
the season's out slapping her fat ass and screaming "Psycho Bitch" at the
top of his lungs) although time is now running out and the chance of them
both ending up drunk and naked - together anyway - are well, none.
Speaking of Matt (of the Mansion), he finally explains to Gay Danny that
he is should only have sex when there's a chance to procreate and ergo
Paul cornholing Danny is wrong... especially in front of Danny's whole
family who comes to visit and watch him fawn all over his man in uniform
-- but then Matt, ever the hopeful prelate of the Pope invites Danny to
come to Mass with him... I have it on good word that they cut the part out
where Danny told Matt they could try coming together whenever Matt wanted
and cut right to the Confessional where Matt was saying he had a
lot to learn about homosexuality with a silly grin on his face.
Frankly even I was embarrassed for Danny's family and getting a little
annoyed at the way he's decided to force them to accept not only the fact
that he likes large things stuck up the poop shoot, but that his boyfriend
has a head that emits this weird fog... they call it "Gay Fog"... oh wait,
BM Productions just called to remind me that's "tiling" to protect Paul's
ID since he's in the Army. My apologies to all homosexuals out there.
Back to Julie's quest for love without sex. She gets the Mormon hots for
this waiter named Baxter who is an alcoholic in training and throws
parties featuring female boxing. He called her "psycho bitch" (in a scene
that was cut) and Julie, who has no other outlet for her hormones, damn
near faints and runs into that boxing ring in a warped need to defend her
Mormon chastity from the horn demons of New Orleans.... and she gets the
crap beat out of her. She decides maybe the waiter Baxter isn't for her,
but only after she pulls the move all Mormon girls are taught to make on
first dates... putting her legs in his lap. Don't ask me why they do it,
but they all do, at least in my, and Baxter's, experience. You don't even
need to call them "psycho bitch."
She ends her 2 show quest for love asking David to find her a nice
Christian boy. David called her "Psycho Bitch" (I heard it, didn't
you?) and told her to take off her pants and the show
ended. Hmmmmmmmm.....
Meanwhile, Jamie, feeling his Caucasian roots, produces their stupid
public access TV show featuring "The Influence of African Music on Black
Music" and a bunch of old black guys being interviewed by Matt and Melissa
(who for once kept her damn trap shut for most of the 2 episodes, not even
hinting that she is black which is good because I know a Samoan
when I see one and I'm sick of her lies).
So Jamie as producer bombed and he tried to blame everyone, especially
Kelly, for whom he clearly has a raging hard on. Yes, I know he called
her psycho bitch. In case you missed what is like the major thesis of
this segment: Men don't call women who look like Kelly "psycho
bitch" unless they have serious lust issues. And Kelly, who many episodes
ago wanted to rape Jamie, was all hot and bothered... and you know, you
get that humid Mississippi delta musk in the air and y'all be ruttin' in
da bayous, well, just about any woman she be gettin' all hot and bothered
you call her psycho bitch.......
EPISODES TEN AND
ELEVEN: PLAYING SUN CITY/WE DO DAT
Traditionally, the lucky seven who get to have their 15 minutes of
celebrity stretched out over about four months get a vacation, a concept I
personally find really stupid... a vacation from vacation. I think I read
somewhere that's postmodernistic, but this season, it was just
tedious.
The entire two episodes can be summed up thus: 1) Melissa didn't want to
go on the Vacation to Africa (something to do with mosquitoes); 2) Melissa
felt she and David should connect because they're black and in the
homeland as it were (except I'm sure David knows full well Melissa's
homeland is either Somoa or Bellevue Hospital; 3) Melissa ended up loving
Africa, getting spiritual and making a multitude of comments which let us
know she really just wants to get David's steroid shrunken dick into
her; 4) David was a hot topic of conversation and everyone was happy when
he burst into tears in a South African ghetto because they knew, somehow,
it would bring them all closer together, and it did, and now David's one
of the guys at Belfort Mansion; and 5) it's unclear whether Danny actually
went out and tried to pick up native men while everyone else was "AB
(?) Sailing (going down a cliff with a rope) and bungee jumping at
Victoria Falls (oh yeah, they ended up in a village in Zimbabwe and David
gave this stupid doll he got while working as a manager at McDonald's or
for being kicked out of the Nation of Islam... something like that... to
some little kid he was molesting and talked about it, and himself a lot,
which is only slightly better than hearing Melissa talk about herself and
worse than Julie asking if the Nation of Islam is the Black
Panthers.... and as for David's precious doll? Well last I heard the
little kid he gave it to traded it for a stick to some MTV camera guy who
hopes to auction it off on e-Bay.
Of course they missed the best part... when each cast member had to
swallow a kilo if pure heroin in condoms (Julie gagged, Danny inserted
them suppository style) and bring it back to pay for the trip.
BM really ought to put this show into pill form...
EPISODE NINE: GAY TIME IN THE OLD TOWN TONIGHT
... ah, Mardi Gras in the Big Easy... clearly the only reason
BM saw fit to set the Seven Strangers up in New
Orleans... everything coming down to this one show... this one Fat
Tuesday to Lent kind of technicolor fart for which New Orleans is so
famous (well, that and drunken corrupt cops and chefs of immense
girth, and both of those groups are the way they are in part due to
Mardi Gras).
Going into the episode tensions were high... would Danny succumb to
a wild, gin soaked homosexual orgy in the middle of the French
Quarter around midnight? Would Melissa pull up her shirt and show
sailors her pitiful tatas? Would a drunken Jamie drag Matt off to a
whore house to get the boy's pipes cleaned? Would David's band get
to play, or David get to hog more air time to try to breath some
life into his still born musical career? And what of Julie? Would
she finally make a five year old's "yuck" face, start with a shot of
bourbon and end up a stumbling alcoholic passing out condoms to old
tourists in Bermuda Shorts?
And what ever happened to that one night stand that little slut
Kelly had back on Valentine's Day? Would the male member of their
hot monkey love duo be found mooning a cheering crown from a balcony
or would that be her a block down hanging out the window with a
bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream yelling "Hey guy, got the
(hic) time?"
Well, some of that happened, -- at Belfort Mansion became Belfort
Brothel after David brought in some girl whose name he never
bothered learning and porked her silly with Matt laying and praying
in the next bed and while in the other room Kelly had Paul uno mas
tiempo (and then Paul proceeded to roam the house nude for cameras,
and then as time passed, as time will, the gang (sans David who was
back at the house eating BBQ with some homeys) ended up on Ann
Rice's float, brought there by her gay son who apparently makes a
living giving others tours of his famous mother's house and calling
her Anne Rice.
On the float they drank and drank, swilling whiskey from bottles and
then peeing into them before throngs of crazed parade watchers and
Julie -- sweet Julie -- Julie who praised Mardi Gras for
"celebrating sin" -- she stood on the float like some perverted
Aztec Goddess forcing fat men to strip for cheap plastic beads while
Danny finally managed to snake his tongue down Matt's throat, and
then Danny went to -- well, threw -- a gay "flashing" party which
ended up with him seeing how good he was at being a sword swallower
(or doing something with some strange guy they wouldn't film in the
"Confessional") -- something he confessed to his gay lover the next
day... well, we think he confessed it... that was his version --
just a kiss between the boys... but he was so worried about catching
something other than some fruit loop's beads I have to wonder just
what got kissed or what else went on during all this passionate
kissing....
And then, as it is after every Mardi Gras, hung over people were
filled with regret, ready to start Lent and sweeping up tons of
debris... all in all not a bad life.
EPISODE NINE: OF VIRGIN PIMPS AND PSYCHO CLOWNS
In the words of Julie, "So Matt isn't asexual"... and damn if she ain't
got a bee in her bonnet because he's set up his own web based dating
service -- "Superfly.com" and this week he was trotting in applicants for
dates... all blonde, pale, looking a lot like him and acting not the least
bit nervous during his interview process ... and we learn that Matt has
kissed three girls, or one girl three times, and always on the lips... i
doubt there was even any tongue... and he has gone no further, and
frankly, let's face facts: We can understand the reason for
that... but what he (apparently... the sound isn't so great on my
TV) wants is the type of girl of which Mormon Girl does not
approve... even though he doesn't want to get laid... or so he says....
A brief note on Julie's recent broken heart: Mormon Girls, who did not
make The Rolling Stones Some Girls not only don't want to fuck all
night until they have a wedding ring secured to their finger, they want
also want another Mormon, or a potential Mormon, because unless he's
Mormon Boy, they can't get married in the Temple and Quezicoatl will eat
out their livers and feed them to David Crosby... something like
that....
It was, inter alia the accusation by Julie that Melissa had
"denounced God" which sent Melissa into a berserk rage and, in the closing
shot, into a shrink's office, and not to scam drugs, but, because in her
own words, spoken (we are left to assume) to an answering machine,
"[she's] on the verge of a nervous breakdown."
Why? Because Julie accused her of denigrating Allah?
No, because this week she decided to go with the "My parents were
horrible" routine (see earlier episodes) and her house mates eventually
got sick of her repeatedly toying aloud with the idea that maybe she
should move out and return to the dysfunctionally she calls home... and
the house mates, oor the chick house mates at least, finally
noticed (or admitted) that she is a complete, narcissistic psycho
(speaking of which, why does Matt favor the girl who "looks like I'm
looking in the mirror"? Why not just BUY a mirror and beat
off? It'd be a lot easier than keeping track of your stupid cyber pimp
operation, Matt... oh, you've tired of that... carpal tunnel syndrome and
all that... ok....).
Anyway, after Julie admitted that she, too, had once been a raving lunatic
like Melissa (I'm sure she exaggerated so as not to alienate the already
eggshell personality of Melissa) they broke out the Yellow Pages to find a
doctor (where's BM and their expensive rehab facility... What Melissa
needs is to break her addiction to being Melissa...
And loony as she is, the show can't stand to lose Melissa... I mean what
are they going to do if they did? Show Matt interviewing more
dates? Show David trying to act cool? Zoom in on Polo Boy's closeted
holier than thouedness? More gay orgies in hot tubs which Danny
supposedly gets out of just before they start "bobbing for bananas?"
Come on, without a lunatic like Melissa... one who can be shocking Julie
by screaming "FUCK" repeatedly one minute and announce she's her one and
only true friend the next, the show would go to hell in a shit
basket... or they could bring back Puck and Ruthie to replace her......
Ahhhh... as the boredom turns......
EPISODE EIGHT: OH SAY CAN WE PLEASE?
David is producing the second loser show on New Orleans Cable Access TV
and gets all Orwellian on everyone, who, thinking "Who is this Mussolini
in a smelly do rag?" decide to fuck up for the sake of fucking up - well,
except Matt, who digs being David's silent lieutenant of the New World
Order - and are seen driving around New Orleans laughing and mocking
David, imagining how pissed off he's going to be at them when they finally
meet up, and they do, of course, and he is, of course, and then the five
little brats are all calling David a hypocrite behind his back and
accusing him (behind his back, but to Matt's face, so not really behind
his back, unless Matt's smarter than he looks and is playing both sides
against the middle... which is stupid because ultimately, the Seven Idiots
will see the show if they aren't opting to watch Son of the Beach,
so....
Anyway, they do the second show and it gets about two seconds of Real
World airtime (I'm sure David thinks that's due to a Racist plot, and
he may not be far from the truth), and the consensus is that save for
David becoming as Little Hitler (going so far as to order Danny to go
around and see who was circumcised and then requiring endless paperwork to
be filled out in ink which fades to invisible so the circumcised could
explain why they are circumcised) it was pretty good... David says it was
the best ever, which doesn't say much since they only did two of
them....
And then David (this must have been the token black show, some sort of
perverse act of contrition by BM for focusing on the 'N' Word last week
("Mormon Girl might be a bigot, but WE aren't) gets to sing the National
Anthem before some undefined (okay, I missed the first few
minutes) sporting event... which he does in a tux a capella (and quite
well despite the butcher job done by the editors -- Hmmmm, the same
network which will play Hanson doing a Dave Mathews imitation ad nauseum
won't play our National Anthem? -- while making these bizarre hand
motions, and in the end, everyone, including David's Mom who they flew in
and put up at a really crappy hotel (Note: Hampton Inns I'll be glad to
five star you for five figures) ends the show in praise of David... well,
trying to praise him anyway... "if only he wasn't such an asshole...."
And to think I could have been reviewing American High....
EPISODE EIGHT: MORMONS AND GAYTORS AND NEGROES OH MY!
Well, I didn't miss much sleeping through the first run of this
episode. It center almost exclusively with Julie a/k/a Mormon Girl and
the fact that until moving into Belfort Mansion she had never seen a
person of African American (or African) descent outside of television,
which really isn't where this piece of garbage belongs... starts out she
uses the word "niggah" or "nigger" and Melissa who is convinced she's
black -- especially when David isn't off fixing steroids -- and insists
she must "own [her]' blackness. Why doesn't she try owning her Samoaness
since I'd lay odds she's dark by way of the Pacific Islands than the,
ahem, Dark Continent.
So... it has to be explained to Julie that white people can't use the word
"nigger." Yep, that was the bottom line. So Julie tried "colored"... I
think you can see where this is going, well, could be going, if everyone
wasn't so busy being nice to one another... they are de-Mormonizing Mormon
Girl the way an expert old pervert would seduce a teenage girl... killing
her ignorance with sickeningly saccharin sweet kindness and
understanding. Shit, if the Gang from Hawaii were there can you imagine
the head games they'd play on her> And Ruthie had to go to the
booby hatch......
This week's adventure was a swamp boat ride, which, if anyone who has ever
seen US Marshalls can tell you are a lot more fun when Robert
Downey, Jr. isn't onboard passing out party favors and plain old passing
out and firing his flare gun at bad angles. Anyway, during the adventure,
apparently the guide, some old drunken Cajun (surprised Melissa doesn't
claim she's part that too) identifies a bird as a "Long Billed Red Beak
Nigger Bird" or something like that to which Melissa, of course, spends
the rest of the show whining about and allows Julie to come to the
realization she has lead a sheltered life up there at Casa Posse
Comatatis, which makes Melissa feel so good she starts in on Jamie because
he thinks she's a tad over sensitive. This infuriates her enough that,
after some faux cheek kissing, she tweaks his pecker (*and finding it soft
goes to find a man to fulfill her fantasy of being bound and whipped by
some guy in a hood telling her she's a worthless piece of shit "N
word" bitch who'.... anyway, she left him alone and disappeared......
Told you I didn't miss much sleeping.
EPISODE SEVEN: HEY GUYS! LET'S PUT ON A
SHOW!
What can one say about a half hour show about seven supposedly hip
and trendy people under the gun to produce a Public Access Television Show
for the African American version of Adolph Hitler, a/k/a Elton the Station
Manager?
Well, Kelly or Kelley or however she spells it said a lot -- about
how she was hoping to use the show as a "resume booster"... an analogical
rocket as it were to boost her into the realms of the likes of her
heroine, Oprah... but how since no one was going to listen to her as
producer the show was going to suck... and Melissa could say a lot, like
how the show was going to suck raw eggs and it obviously made her so
nervous that for once her schizophrenia was at least half
contained... and Danny was apparently too busy getting boffed to say much
but did something which obviously upset Kelly the Wicked Wench but he gave
his puppy dog smile and all was either forgiven or forgotten... and David
could say something, or rather SING something, like the opening part which
everyone else spoke and although everyone else said he sounded like a
complete idiot doing a cheesy bad rap number, everyone, including David
knew he was going to do it his way anyway and so he did and, it did look
stupid no matter how good and filled with secret meaning [like "I wish I
had my ugly black ass on Survivor] he insists it was... and Jamie
can manage to say nothing more than the obvious: "This show means
nothing" (which show? The Real World or the hokey Public Access
one?), and Matt can be Mr. Diligence and work his butt off to build a set
which it turns out they can't use and he can explain to Elton that it's
going so bad that 24 hours before the show if he doesn't say something
nice to them they'll all go home crying (got to remember these guys aren't
in it for their maturity)... but it's Mormon girl who cuts straight to the
chase, not only by reminding everyone who is watching their Public Access
Debut (3 drunken whores in between tricks?) that she wants Matt to pop her
Mormon cherry ("I like boys with spiky hair!"), but also, after it is all
said and done amidst everyone slapping high fives and being all self
congratulatory she said... "The first show sucked (stunk? something like
that... she's a Mormon). Am I the only one who can see that?" No, you
aren't...
... unfortunately the same can be said so far for this year's
The Real World.
EPISODE SIX: VALENTINE JUJU DU BELFORT MANSION
This season has become so boring that I almost decided to forego the
column this week but then realized it was also so boring that it would
only take me fifteen minutes to crank out (and I'm one slowwwww funky
typist)... so here we go....
Day breaks as the gang prepares for Valentine's Day at Belfort Mansion
(hey, it only took me 3.5 hours of viewing to get the name of the house
right, back off)... or prepares to be disappointed, or just generally dis
Valentine's Day, or in Melissa's case, be schizoid about it, saying she
loves/hates everyone and being noticiably dateless and calling Julie a
nerd while Julie reveals may or may not be having a hot and lusty
incestuous (oral) relationship with her brother who thinks Tarot Cards are
the keys to Hell (but was visiting anyway, and aside from Julie, seemed
more real than the rest of the Real World "cast," as Julie may as well put
her cherry on a hot fudge sundae for Matt, who is totally oblivious to her
virgin, Mormon lust (or totally gay... actually I have my suspicions as to
whether he joined the bevy of boy beauties Danny had skinny dipping in the
hot tub for the inevitable drunken Daisy Chain with poppers which had to
ensue after Danny, who is so horny for his Man in Uniform (a Soul Man in
Uniform), Paul, that he's wobbling on that thin tightrope of abstinence in
a city known for it's opportunities to sin in any way one might desire and
actually breaking out in zits while Jamie is ordering Self Help books for
everyone for D-day from Amazon.com (and BM missed the Product Placement
bucks, unlike SOME of us) while Kelly is doing the nasty in a hotel room
(doesn't the Mansion have a "Fuck Room"?) with her wealthy young resident
who has sold her that old "my girlfriend and I agreed to see other
people" line to get into her panties, and so finally Paul, Danny's lover
arrives with lots of Chinese noodles and a little (or a big) something
else Danny's been missing, and David "don't be celebrating no Valentine's
Day even if I fuck de bitch", which he probably won't with his steroid
shrunk genitalia, and presumably Matt.... well, Matt either has a burr up
his butt about something or disappeared with the dozen or so gay guys
Danny brought home for the alleged aborted orgy (so maybe it's a gerbil up
the butt, or he's constipated, or going through chronic heroin
withdrawals... that boy needs help -- he has no clue what he's missing
because there ain't much better than When A Mormon Girl Goes Bad which I
hope is eventually the title of at least one episode this season.....
Back to the Beginning.....
EPISODE ONE: THE GATHERING, BIG EASY STYLE
NOTE: The young man/house mate identified below in "Episode One"ss
"Black Danny" is really named David. Accordingly the qualifiers
"Black" and "Gay" were at least arguably not needed when ever I mentioned
Danny. Danny is the token Gay Guy. David is the token Black
Guy. Had I watched more of the show, or at least watched it more closely
I would not have received the various complaints, death threats and mail
ranging in tone from calmly scolding to out right hatred from,
among others, the NAACP, the Pink Panthers and the Mormon
Church... well, maybe the Mormons. So, apologies all around, next
round is on Norm Watkins for his sheer irresponsibility in allowing
the "review" to be posted as written. -BDH
Welcome to "Na O'leans" home
of America's Mardi Gras with its boobie
shaking drunken hussies hanging from balconies trying to tempt virginal
country boys upstairs for a Mint Julep and their chance to stick their
dicks in something other than a calf (or, well, it being Mardi Gras and
New Orleans and all, perhaps the boy will get up there and find a calf
wearing a dress... or Uncle Wilbur exposing his bung hole and hootin' it
up with the hussies, you never know).
Now to be fair, New Orleans is also: home to some of the best restaurants
in the US with the fattest chefs; the Most underpaid, understaff and per
capita corrupt police force in the US (it recently hired "Technical
Advisors" from LA's Rampart District when an extra $278,000 was discovered
in the budget); and going there is a lot of people's idea of a way to have
a good time, especially before Lent kicks into high gear.
So into this mess, the good people at BM Productions have interjected
seven predictably attractive 18 to 24 year old strangers.
Episode One, which Steve Hochman of the LA Times, a paper which
stupidly will not run my column or even publish one of my frequent letters
to the editor, said it could be entitled "Let's Freak Out Julie" (Steve
was clearly really trying HARD to be funny... and as usual, he ended up
sounding like the kind of idiot who will go far at the Times),
really was a "let's get to know the cast and see them in this mansion
where they'll live... a place so big it actually has it's name in big
black letters over the door (in case anyone was wondering about the
origins of "Trailer Park Chic," the answer is apparently "New Orleans"--
remember that if Regis Philbin ever stops by wanting to use the
bathroom.... "is that your final answer? Sure about that? Final answer
now....").
Typical of The Real World this huge fucking place has the
requisite pool table and hot tub to invite crazed unprotected group
sex. Also typical of The Real World this huge mansion only has 2
or maybe three bedrooms in which to sleep the seven and I'm betting ONE
bathroom (of course when it was built it probably had an out house by the
slave quarters).
Let's meet the Seven Strangers, each of whom have a "secret" (the
producers seemed to make this a subtheme, ignoring threats from I've
Got a Multimillion Dollar Secret (Fox, Wed. @ 9 p.m.), the ever
popular Game Show Network which runs the original I've Got a
Secret, NBC and CBS and Merv "I've got a secret myself" Griffin, all
of which/whom claim they own I've Got a Secret and the very real
danger of Dorothy Killgallon rolling over in her grave causing the San
Andreas Fault to rupture like it has never ruptured before)....
Melissa
Melissa is a half Filipino (or something) and half African American (or
otherwise black, perhaps from Africa or the Islands, mon, or the
Outback...) and all bitch. She will come to dominate the house, remove
any doubt the gay guy may have about his sexual preference, possibly
murder the Mormon girl and is most likely to rape the 18 year old virgin
male (unless he decides to pretend he's gay as a matter of self
preservation).
It should also be noted that Melissa when, given the opportunity, chooses
to speak Ebonics and dislikes gays (as she showed before she realized the
gay guy is gay.
Black Danny
Black Danny is the token "real" African American from Chicago's South Side
and has a big chip on his shoulder about the other guy from the Windy
City, who grew up on the North Shore and probably got a BMW Z3 for his
16th birthday and only drove it to Black Danny's neighborhood to buy
"drugs".
Black Danny has lots of muscles and lots of anger... in fact, he's a body
builder and possible steroid freak (think what a good case of Roid Rage
could do for Sweeps!).
Black Danny wants to take his clothes off at a strip club... on stage. He
did not say he wanted to start the act as a female impersonator,
but you never know what they cut on this show. Indeed, as Melissa pointed
out, Black Danny has too many muscles... or at least he's too willing to
show them, running around constantly in a muscle shirt... and Black
Danny's a regular slut when it comes to the bimbos... all of which
inevitably raises the old red flag that Black Danny is homosexual and/or
homophobic and he's just trying to make sure the gay guy, who he probably
thinks is attracted by his mass of muscles, does not get the "wrong" idea
and subject his large well muscled body to some sort of involuntary sex
("Please make me take my mouth off that thing!")...
...or he's worried the rest of the house is so PC they will actually fail
to note he's black and confuse him with the gay guy who is also named
Danny....
Gay Danny
Gay Danny has, to this point, been referred to as "the Gay Guy." He just
came out to his parents, which supposedly is like lifting the mansion in
which he now lives lifted off his shoulders. The Inside Poop is the Evil
Producers have planned a "Tale of Coming Out in
Progress..." presumably around Gay Danny, but, er, he has
come out... strange juju afoot!
Gay Danny has a steady boyfriend -- a military man (whose face is
distorted in pictures to save his career killing people) who will be
visiting the mansion and probably getting in the hot tub, maybe with Black
Danny and the other fellows at the Mansion during Sweeps Week to The
Village People's In the Navy,
WARNING, WARNING WILL ROBINSON: There's an outside possibility Gay Danny
is not at all gay but simply figures he has the best chance of getting
into Mormon Girl's pants if she thinks he's gay. Hey, she's already
letting him climb under the covers with her and making cute comments like
"You better not wake up straight (haha, double entendre)" -- Mormon Girl
is clearly so naive she is completely ignorant of the strange forces which
can come over a man when he finds himself in bed with any other living
thing resembling a human... and Gay Danny did say he likes girls,
but does not think he's bi... and (hahahahaha) Mormon Girl bought
it.
Matt
Matt, is the 18 year old male with spiked hair from rural Georgia who
wears red tinted sunglasses all the time, has a (mutual) crush on Mormon
Girl (which is nice... although Mormon Girl states she was raised not to
be attracted to non-Mormons (how she can tell outside of a Temple is
beyond me -- are they double secret circumcised?).
Black Danny has a crush on her too... and if she really wants to
horrify her parents, she'll choose Black Danny, perhaps after she finds
Gay Danny isn't that sure he's gay and also has a crush on her.
Virgin now or not, given everyone's natural urge to deflower someone, I'll
wager Matt boinks/gets boinked more than anyone else in the House and
probably won't even have to try. The town, after all, is called "The Big
Easy," Mardi Gras is coming, at least 2 of the three females in the house
want him bad, he's innocent, boyishly cute and charming and an almost
certain target for every madam and whore in New Orleans. Plus, maybe Gay
Danny's boyfriend will convince him to undergo a little "basic
training."
Kelley
I must have gone to the bathroom or given up on the show early because
frankly all I recall her (or him, I'm not sure) doing is organizing
everyone's sleeping arrangements. I suspect she/he -- same personality
however -- is the Kaia (from the Hawaii Shows last year), although better
looking and quite a bit nicer. Look for some fights centering around
Melissa's desire to be the bologna in a "Man Sandwich" (in fact she had
taken to screaming for a Man Sandwich on the street the first night
out).
I bet both Mormon Girl and this Kelley want to put Melissa six feet under
for this little trait... albeit for different reasons.
Julie
Up to now I have referred to Julie as Mormon Girl. I've also told pretty
much all there is to tell about her. She's pretty, she doesn't drink,
smoke, have sex, and goes to church (Temple) and thinks Jesus came to
America around 32 AD.
Julie is good, virginal and since MTV is banned from her Dorm at BYU one
must wonder how she ever heard of The Real World, let alone why she
wanted to be on it.
I think we should all accept that one of this season's MAJOR plot lines is
likely to be: Will Julie succumb to the "evils" of New Orleans and the
mansion which is just dripping with Faulkneresque moral decay (and if so
when and by whom is her cherry popped? Does she end up doing cheap porn
for the price of a few hits of crack?) OR will Julie blow a fuse, and in a
fit of moral indignation:
a) kill everyone; or
b) get all evangelical; or
c) run back to her family and church with or without a nasty case of
herpes?
Jamie
Jamie is your basic upper middle to upper class kid who knows it ("the
stork dropped me in the right place"). He appreciates having lived life
on Chicago's North Shore and never lacking not only for generic Cheerios,
but for Designer Muesli and farm fresh eggs upon awakening.
Black Danny does not appreciate him, his attitude or the fact Jamie only
visited Black Danny's neighborhood to buy drugs and unwittingly start gang
wars (Black Danny knew better than to venture North lest he end up
Chicago's Answer to Rodney King... indeed, wouldn't the whole show be a
lot more interesting if Rodney himself had submitted his beating as his
audition tape and been selected instead of, say, Kelley?).
Jamie also thinks he's hot stuff and is convinced Gay Danny is flirting
with him (and perhaps Gay Danny's Gadar is on high alert around
Jamie... maybe Jamie's the one with the "Coming Out" story line....)
Anyway, expect a lot of conflict in New Orleans... perhaps even an on
camera murder at Mardi Gras (Nawwwwwww..... if they wouldn't cast anyone
willing to take a hockey stick to Puck in San Francisco, that's
doubtful).
It is, however, New Orleans, Land of Cajun Fried Zombies. My super secret
inside sources tell me viewers should not be surprised if there isn't some
seriously bad juju, one or more sudden and shocking "conversions," all
leading to the ruination and/or salvation of one or more of the Seven.
Ultimately, the only real plot question is: Which of the Seven Strangers
Shall be Crowned Voodoo Queen?
EPISODE TWO: Introducing Psycho Girl:
Last season after weeks of near alcohol poisoning and drunk
driving around Hawaii the good folks at BM Productions, or more likely
their insurance carrier, insisted they toss Ruthie's butt off the show or
into rehab.
The Oscars and MTV Movie Awards and probably even
Ozzie and Harriett feel (felt) they must out do themselves each
year. This attitude explains why The Real World has, for this
season, placed Melissa, a/k/a Psycho Girl into the House (a/k/a Belmont
Mansion).
While part of this week's installment dwelt on Mormon Julie's slow
begrudging acceptance of Gay Danny ("It's (homosexuality) is wrong, but I
love you anyway), her facing a bowl of fruit and condoms in the kitchen
and her slow simmer bond with Young Matt, the real action revolved around
Melissa, who was slowly, but surely revealed to be in deep need of heavy
doses of Lithium if not Thorazine if not a lobotomy by the following
(roughly recounted in chronological order/as edited by the good folks at
BM Productions:
1. David (the Black Guy with Muscles) and her chatting (seems
David has more than muscle for a brain) in the kitchen about ghetto
cooking, with Melissa playing the Black Ghetto Poser;
2. Cut to Melissa in "confessional" admitting she knew nothing of
being poor or a bad home life or the ghetto;
3. Cut to Melissa complaining about her rotten family life to Matt
and Julie and how her parents totally ignored her;
4. Cut to Melissa trying to hit on David, working their alleged
"black bond" as a sexual tease as they strolled the city;
5. Cut to David saying he thought Melissa and he would end up
fucking each others' brains out;
6. Cut to Melissa calling home in tears telling parents how much
she missed them;
7. Cut to Melissa saying how great her folks are;
8. Cut to the Gang all out on the town, partying down... well, as
best you can in Sin City with a Mormon and a weird but nice naive virginal
18 year old boy who doesn't drink and David the muscular egomaniac who is
trying to hit on Melissa who keeps saying she has had a bad day and so is
going to get drunk (the rest of the gang "disapproves" in
confessionals... where did they get them, the freaking Partnership for No
Fun Allowed?)... and proceeds to make everyone think she's getting
blasted;
9. Cut to Melissa, now on her third drink, tipsy and needy and
pathetically begging someone to stay with her;
10. Cut to David leaving, saying he just didn't feel it with
Melissa (so, lets see, she don't fuck, he goes home mad?);
11. Cut to strip club where a drunk acting Melissa forces
her way on stage and reveals her breasts for a total of about two bucks in
tips;
12. Cut to Melissa and David in bed, fully clothed, fighting
because she chose "alcohol over [him]" (Query: Should this Episode be
renamed "Introducing Psycho Girl and Ego Man"?). Melissa leaves and tells
David she doesn't want him to speak to her for the next five months;
13. Cut to me asking "Do I have to watch this tripe for the next
fucking five months... I'd rather see a computer blurred image of Danny
doing the Nasty with his boyfriend... or David turning out Julie as a
whore during Mardi Gras... or Andy Griffith reruns -- the ones
featuring Aunt Bea and Clara the Lesbian;
14. Cut to David taking Melissa at her word and ignoring her the
next day, which leads to a tearful, pathetic, pitiful apology ... and as
they hug Melissa's "Confessional" about it is voiced over and she explains
she only apologized and said she really liked and cared for David
because David is such a fucking asshole of an egomaniac and was ignoring
everyone because he was mad at her (something I suspect may have little to
do with the Real World... the place, not the show).
Hey, what can I say... it'll get better folks... think of the plot
possibilities... from Melissa gets the strait jacket in Episode 5 to
Melissa slowly kills off each house mate in something akin to a Real
World Murder Mystery Weekend Vacation.
Ruthie... you should have said you were an alcoholic... you may have
spared us Melissa... and for that, we may never forgive your drunken
Hawaiian butt....
EPISODE THREE -- PSYCHO GIRL'S MOST BORING DATE
And to think I had to switch over and miss the last half hour of The
Lord of the Flies to watch this piece of crap....
Anyway, this half hour in the lives of the Lucky (or maybe Not So Lucky) 7
centered on some rich frat boy at some podunk college in New Orleans who
Melissa obviously tricked running errands with her (shades of the
ex-wife) and then decided he might be a good catch after he did things
like open the car door for her, buy her a sandwich and help her on with
her coat. He also didn't crack up and try to get her to turn tricks on
Bourbon Street when she began putting herself down for having a "ghetto
butt".
Caveat in Confessional: Melissa feels she might be interested in Mr. $$
if he is willing to commit to her. This is before the first
date with Mr. money.
WARNING, WARNING WILL ROBINSON
Oh, I refer to Melissa's beau (hey, New Orleans, right?) as
"Mr. $$" because his name is Matt and he should not be confused with the
18 year old nodrinknosmokenosexredglasses Matt who I've decided will
either come out of the closet and be deflowered by Danny or deflower
Julie... after all, it's MTV... no virgins allowed.
Well, turns out Mr. $$'s idea of a "date" is to throw himself a huge party
with limos for 20 or 50 of his closest rich friends who also can't get
dates, so Melissa drags along Julie a/k/a Mormon Girl. Melissa ends up
insulting herself the whole time, and then turns on the frat boys,
claiming they'd never speak to her if she didn't live in the big
mansion. Matt and her end up in the hot tub and she rejects his romantic
advances, bringing up his Gucci Loafers, and it turns out that's
apparently the whole problem... Melissa is a chick in Target Jeans and
feels she doesn't belong in Mr. $$'s Gucci world.
Oh, she also hates Jamie because he's rich and white, and claims she can
get any man (bet not Danny!) but tends toward scruffy white virgins who
(apparently) have no manners or money, or maybe just treat her as the
bitch HO she believes is the True Melissa... and you guys wrote asking why
I called her Psycho Girl....
The show ended with her debating with herself whether she dumped Mr. $$ or
he dumped her and everyone else telling her to shut the fuck up and go to
sleep.
The gang also got a job at putting on a weekly public access show and
their boss, Elton, is apparently an Odessa File kind of Nazi escapee, or
at least a former Drill Sergeant. But they did get a vehicle... one of
those GIANT fucking SUVs that take up three parking spaces.
Big whoop.
Now next week they've promised a little in-Mansion sexual escapades or at
least heavy teasing if not petting.
Me, I'm thinking I should have tried for the gig reviewing Road
Rules, but then my dear friends at BM Productions go and tantalize me
with promises of cheap porn, and you know, Kelley is really gorgeous... I
been noticing that....
EPISODE FOUR: THE ZOMBIE CUPID OF BELMONT MANOR
Spring and consequently love are in the New Orleans air. Jamie,
who is a real Dog when it comes to "relationships" is being pursued,
stealthily by Kelly (finally spelling her name right) and, because she's
psychotic and does not want to be left out, Melissa.... Melissa whose
schizo life I'm so fucking sick of I'm not going to report further on her
ongoing psychosis except to say that Ms. Man Sandwich can also be seen
insisting she is disgusted by sex when she is not pursuing Jamie like some
rutting mongrel bitch on hormones.
Meanwhile, Jamie, who has done everything in the world except sky dive
without a parachute, realized both Jamie and Melissa want to jump his
bones. Initially, at least, it looks like he has enough brains to know
you don't bone a psych and not live to regret it, but by the end of the
episode they are taking a bubble bath (in bathing suits) and kissing.
In the interim, Kelly has slipped off over night with some guy named Peter
who claims he is a doctor and although she denies it when a horrified
Mormon Girl asks if they did the nasty, I bet at least plays a mean
game of Doctor.
Mormon Girl for her part has finally confessed that she would like to
"know Matt (the Virgin) in the Biblical sense... just kidding [my
butt]."
Speaking of butts... BUT there's something wrong with Matt and the behind
the scenes rumors floating out of the BM offices range from he's a gay
homophobe (he likes to "accessorize," according to his
"Casting" interview, but insists he "hates drag queens" calling them
"messed up clowns") to he belongs to a bizarre back woods one eyed snake
handling cult to he is actually just a redneck homicidal homophobe who has
hidden himself among the cast in order to kill Danny (the Gay Guy) with an
exploding butt plug....
So stay tuned... Will Melissa kill Kelly her competition and bed mate at
Belmont Manor? Will Jamie actually be dumb enough to boff Melissa and
will her reaction when he dumps her (or doesn't) rival that which
occurred above Hiroshima? Is Matt gay, just minus testicles or really a
homicidal homophobe after Danny? Will Danny be seduced by a female
impersonating a female impersonator? Will Mormon girl bring out Matt's
sexuality and end up knocked up?
And let's not forget David? Will he die of his addiction to steroids or
will he start talking to someone and once again become part of the show,
perhaps after rehab including shock therapy?
EPISODE FIVE: More Psychosis with Psycho Girl:
This week it appeared as if the real question the Seven Strangers would be
wrasslin' with is "Should We Become Six?"
See. David, the (probably) steroid injecting mutant Black Guy who hasn't
been seen much since Melissa refused to do the nasty with him was at the
center of a horrific, bleep filled fight with (who else?) Melissa and to a
lesser extent Kelly over the fact he seems to want nothing to do with
their lame job, refuses to attend meetings concerning it and, when he does
attend, is the one voice of reason when the others have decided on a
really stupid course of action... or maybe he really is just being
obstinate for obstinence's sake as the house mates seem to think.
Anyway, it was Cracker Virgin Boy Matt who first hinted that maybe he
should leave Belmont Manor if he wasn't going to play ball... of course
Matt lacks the cajones to say that to David's face, since David could
squeeze his albino ass like a rotten grapefruit if he was so
inclined....
...which is doubtful, because it's obvious all David wants to do is wear a
funky, smelly old black bandana over his head and do his own thing,
whatever that may be (aside from buying steroids and working out).
The meat, so to speak, of this week's episode again revolved around
Melissa. It was her birthday and some guy - Brian - the alleged boyfriend
who everyone had to expect would be a desperate geek came to New Orleans
to celebrate it.
Well, the celebration began at some point on the evening preceding her
birthday and Melissa used it as an excuse to get drunk in order to rid
herself of Brian by drunkenly simulating intercourse in public with drag
queens. Her plan back fired. Turns out it's her psychotic behavior which
attracts Brian (obviously a student of abnormal psychology).
So, the show ended with a whimper instead of a boom, although admittedly a
surprise. Melissa told Brian it was over (whimper) and he didn't act like
some guy paroled by accident from San Quentin (surprise). Poor Melissa
(she'd love this) can't win for losing.
Melissa also got drunk (I think Ruthie from Hawaii's Season drank more in
an hour than Melissa has all series), proposed to Jamie (a joke? She
could always claim so, as could he, who probably isn't crazy about the
insanoid stalker in his own home, whether or not he arranged her birthday
party, and finally, before delivering the big FUCK YOU JERK to Brian the
next day over coffee suggested Jamie, David and she make "a menagerie" by
which all viewers were to assume she wanted a menage de trois (for someone
in the New Orleans house you'd think her French would be a bit better than
mine -- hey, my relatives only FLED to Paris, we didn't try out for the
privilege to be a monarchy in exile)... of course maybe she didn't mean
that at all... I mean it's Melissa we're talking about. Wouldn't she just
strip and summon strangers and friends a like to make her a "Man
Sandwich?"
Bor-rrrrrring.
OFFER
Please note: Seven Strangers in the Land of the Voodoo Queen
is not sponsored by MTV, VH-1, Disney or the Nashville Network,
among others, although Bao Dai of Hollywood will be more than happy to
accept any and all corporate sponsorship, and will gladly change the
content of Seven Strangers in the Land of the Voodoo Queen to
reflect the views of anyone who pays him to do so, including stuff like,
for example, making repeated claims the "house mates" all drink Dr. Pepper
and Meyer's Rum and/or do so from the time they awaken until they pass out
mid-afternoon and/or that one character is running an illegal (as opposed
to a legal) methamphetamine lab in the closet and/or the gay character is
straight, or, a straight male character really likes the way a
big, boner feels all the way up his butt and for a large additional fee,
will dummy up some pictures/a downloadable video of said character
e.g. bruised, beaten and covered in bodily fluids getting gang
banged by member of the Aryan Brotherhood.
Now say the good folks at ABC/Disney (you listening
Mike?) would prefer, for altruistic and/or moral and/or greedy reasons,
viewers watch NYPD Blue or some piece of crap programming running
opposite The Real World (Tuesdays, 10 pmish and ultimately at any
hour of the day or night in reruns or marathons). In exchange for a large
bundle of cash I'll not only stick some Mickey Mouse Ears all over this
site but I'll (quite convincingly) claim that the e.g., sociopathic
nymphomaniac with the bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 glued to her lips when they
are not otherwise occupado is really a Soccer Mom slash actress with 2.3
children, a balding wage slave of a husband, a house in Encino and one of
those monstorous SUVs she uses only to go to the grocery store or down to
Sixth and Bonnie Brae/Barrington to buy tar (guess she's resurfacing the
driveway in her spare time, using the SUV's Steamroller Option).
Love,
Bao Dai of Hollywood
<COPYRIGHT 2000 BY ORANGE MARS LITERARY TALENT
If you, dear reader, have any questions or comments, please WRITE BAO DAI OF HOLLYWOOD
Monde and/or Deekoo, while under no obligation and with probably little or no desire to read the drivel herein do have the right to pull the plug, so to speak, on the cyber publishing empire of Bao Dai of Hollywood. While they know he'll just go elsewhere and set up shop, if you're so fucking offended by what Bao Dai of Hollywood may or may not say, figure out how to contact them and write to ask them to take him off line. Go ahead.... that's one of the advantages to living in America and that whole free speech thing.
However, be cognizant of the fact Bao Dai of Hollywood already has the deed to the old Orange Mars (as well as a lot of other cyber real estate) and if such a request is made, he will probably and/or possibly go to any and all lengths he can to ruin your life/cyber reputation as well as rip off your head and shit down your throat then have your head sewn back on by doctors trained at the Hanoi Hilton For that matter, the same is true of the owners of The Real World, or MTV, it's parent (a huge international cabal mainly financed by option trading in the slunk market... or so I heard. In truth, the ultimate responsibility for any irresponsibility on the part of Bao Dai of Hollywood rests quite squarely upon the shoulders of Norman J. Watkins, 888 South Figueroa Street, Sixteenth Floor, Los Angeles, California, 90017 a/k/a href="mailto:nwatkins@lynberg.com">The original Stormin' Norman, who is a hopeless addict of Lomotil and alternatively claims/denies "I'm the best lawyer I know."