As the old saying sort of goes, "Good things come in extremely painful packages." It is with this in a very reflective mind and a left knee which feels like a triple abscessed molar that I discovered -- well, actually watched fully for the first time, MTV's Jackass.*
While most folks might consider a Saturday, especially an eerily gloomy one, spent in bed to be "fun," in my case it has only been something approaching "fun" while interesting things were on TV... which this morning included Jackass, and at this exact moment consists of nothing... prompting me to hobble out to the old office with my incredibly painful (with pain radiating) left knee (despite the ingestion of a massive dose of Prednisone, an equally massive dose of Naprosyn, much Tagamet and Phenegran to, among other things, keep the steroidal and non-steroidal anti-inflamatories from ripping apart my stomach, a safe, but large dose of Valium and so many Soma I, like the late Dana Plato, lost count, and enough pharmaceutical narcotics to kill a bull elephant, to write this so-called review.
But first, an interesting thing about how I hurt my knee and thus ruined a weekend which potentially could have included wild raves and picking up crazed underaged rave sluts. A few weeks ago I wrote of getting a flat tire and replacing and eventually writing STUPID STUFF THAT ENDS UP RUINING A PERFECTLY DULL WEEKEND. Subsequently it got all better.
Then the other day the old reptilian brain took over. See, although the knee had returned to it's "normal", post- hobby related destruction, I knew, damn well, that lame as it looks, when ascending a double flight of stairs, I should take the steps one at a time (good leg goes to heaven, bad to hell, one step at a time -- cute in babies, not cute with yours truly). Thursday I passed a woman on these steps -- and mind you I didn't really get a good look at her and had no interest in her or anything -- but to the reptilian / need to procreate there was a potential mate was in vicinity and it didn't matter if she's rude and ugly... or that I know I'll never see her again (and if I did, I wouldn't know her) just that's she's of child bearing years. It was Darwinianism at its most base level.
Reptile Brain says "take the steps normally. She might look back!
Like they say, Pride Goeth Before a Fall, and while I didn't fall, at least that would have gotten me into a hospital, maybe a knew knee and lots or morphine round the clock.
By Friday it was raining and I could barely walk with the aid of a vane, but like everyone else in Hollywood, I must take a meeting and if you've never been to downtown in L.A., you know that parking across Figueroa Street and dealing with the ARCO towers involves a semi-major hike (especially if you aren't sure in monolithic tower the meeting is to be held). Especially in the rain and no matter how many drugs one may have been swallowed. This ain't Boston where a quick but risky jaywalked can breeze to his destination.
Hence my consideration of amputation... with a pocket knife; thus going to bed upon getting home and staying there until it became so boring I, whose knee is slightly better, have been watching TV all day.
The only highlight (unless you consider a psuedo-biography on Rommel as real pabulum for the soul) was watching Jackass, show which made me consider trading in my only unfuckedup limb.
First, the MTV warning that the stunts were professional and/or done by an idiot, and hence should not be attempted, is meaningless fluff.
Second, Jackass should only be watched by males over 25 (females can watch anytime.
The "stunts" will probably be duplicated by many male viewer under 25, and some older, which is or is not to suggest MTV's core audience consists of a bunch of immature idiots. Few such viewers can stand to live precariously through the televised antics. By the way, if there's a suit filed, my expert witness fee is negotiable, and is also up for bid (I'll be contacting ebay shortly I think... or maybe Priceline, always having been a fan of Captain James T. Kirk.
Nevertheless, the "stunts" are, for the most part, hilarious enough to make one want to see the show again. These stunts included:
1. A driver asking directions as a bound man wearing just a jock strap first makes much noise and then escapes from the trunk of the car to the horror of the crowd, finally running away;
2. Being inside a PortaJohn¨ which is picked up, turned upside down and then righted (and then running out like a maniac, much to the horror of the crowd);
3. A man who acts as a test subject for Pepper Spray, a 120,000 volt stun gun and a taser gun (if interested, the Pepper Spray which most disabled him);
4. Pushing a shopping cart over the curb in a shopping center with a man in it, sending the man, limbs akimbo, head over heels into the whatever ("Now punch me in the head a second before take off to soften the blow");
5. Donning a fake "hard on" under sweat pants and venturing into many different situations, seeing if it would get a rise, so to speak, from the public and
6. Intentionally and horrifically abusing a rather lifelike baby doll riding in the baby seat attached to the back of a bicycle.
Such antics stretched out over a half hour in a succession of well edited home videos made me slowly forget that my leg was screaming in pain although they did not leave me screaming in laughter. They were also mildly educational, because I once had a stun gun and often wondered if it would work if used (nothing worse than jamming some plastic piece of crap which says it was made in Korea up against some guy who is about to murder you and then having to try to joke about how you thought it he would find your trying to knock him on his ass with it funny). But then at the time I didn't have any 9 year old friends (and still don't).
Of course, when I was 9 my reptilian brain probably would not have made me get all macho at the whiff of a passing female of the species and cause me to end up semi-bedridden for the week end feeling like a total Jackass... or would it?
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*If you're asking if or why I, Bao Dai of Hollywood, have become a pimp for Viacom, well, I haven't, and if that answer doesn't satisfy you, try: "I'd like to cash in on some big bucks before I die."