I remember back in the day -- and this was quite awhile ago, for I'm no youngster -- that some great hashish came out of Afghanistan

Afghan women ran naked through ganja fields collecting the sweet resin which would then be gently dusted from their bodies and compressed into the black hash -- or so the rumor went. During the Summer of 1976, I would eat a quarter gram this hash each evening as I arrived for work at Magic Mountain (before it became Six Flags Magic Mountain), and then try to call dibs on the Lemonade Stand, where I spent the evening oogling young girls and I got quite good at killing bees, drawn by the high sugar content of the lemonade, with a wet towel which I would snap at them, much to the delight of young girls teasing us with erotic eatings of Big Sticks. We did not have the sex appeal of the Ride Operators for these (usually underaged) nymphomaniacs, but Ride Ops had to buy their dinner -- all we had to do was produce a wrapper for any number of frozen bananas -- and in the Summer of 1976 all one needed was some Afghan hash, limitless lemonade and bees to kill and a cornucopia of Frozen Bananas.

Well, the Taliban put an end to the hash trade. They don't let their women run naked in fields anymore, and only recently the DEA was paying them not to put an end to opium production and trade -- although their opium ended up mainly as heroin in Europe -- that which wasn't consumed on pain of death by natives, because the Taliban don't let women out of the house much, let alone run naked through the cannibas fields.

I don't mean to sound unpatriotic, but when the Russians were, for some God unknown reason, involved in trying to prop up a commie regime in Afghanistan, the US stood side by side with Osama Bin Laden, probably funneling more cash into the Muhajadeen in their Jihad against the Red Menace than Osama did himself.

And what did we get for it? Well, as far as I can tell, those Muhajadeen who did not move on to become the Taliban Regime ended up in the Sudan training other crazed fanatics when the Saudi government invited the US to come onto it's sand in order to kick Iraqi butt -- and Iraqis -- like Iranians and Afghans are not Arabs. They are Moslem, although of different, warring branches, and indeed, we gave Iraq a shit load of money to fight its war with Iran before Sadaam got too big for his britches and decided he liked Kuwait, which arguably was once part of Babalonia or something.

Osama and his Gang -- and it's a loosely affiliated organization, sort of like the old Mafia, except they are into repressive religion and not burning saints and making money -- were ticked off at the Saudi Royal Family, with which he had been all buddy buddy during his Muhajadeen Days, because he felt that letting Americans onto Arabian Sands was a blasphemy, even though I don't think we ever got anywhere near Mecca, except for any Muslim soldiers who may have made a pilgrimage. He also felt we'd over stay our welcome, and while not disinvited, we haven't exactly left -- we also haven't forced Saudi girls to drink Bud and have orgies while listening to Rock 'n' Roll at Church Socials or anything.

See, the problem is that Osama, much like many "Christian" Fundamentalists, the Taliban and the Ayatollahs of this world, is a religious nut case who wants everyone to be just like him -- well, actually, to be just like he thinks they should be because you don't see him on any suicide missions, just like you don't see Jerry "Jerry X" Falwell taking a vow of poverty and you catch all those other holier than thou televangelists in motels so sleazy with women so ugly they make bestiality seem like a viable option if only for a passing moment.

My point, however, is not to condemn anyone for being a religious kind of person, be they a smelly desert rag head or a spit shine shoe on Sunday Southern Baptist -- it's that if the US is going to make friends with certain causes or nations, maybe we shouldn't be so quick to do so. My enemy's enemy is my friend/my enemy's friend is my enemy is a fine way of doing business when dealing with true friends. When you pay some thug a bunch of money to take out your enemy, however, maybe it would make more policy sense to, er, "dispose" of the new "friend" before he decides to stick it to you. The mob and others who occasionally decide to use a crazed zealot to do their business have successfully used this method, disposing of the friend of convenience before anyone knew why he did what he did for decades.

I bring this up because I see us trying, for some God unknown reason, to build a "coalition" to go after terrorists. We don't need a coalition. We need to retarget some ICBMs and show it on TV -- because while the Taliban have banned TV you can bet your sweet ass the top dogs have big ass satellite dishes, and that those who fund them watch CNBC. Why do we need a "friendly" coalition with Pakistan? Yeah, it's a nuclear power, but they can't get their missiles over here. And yeah there border, if you can call it a border, is with Afghanistan and we don't want Osama skipping town, but did you know that in the Northern Provinces of Dear Old Pakistan the most popular name for little boys is "Osama"? We could tell Pakistan to seal it's damned border.

Look, those people think we're all a bunch of assholes anyway, so why don't we start acting like assholes to them? And while we're at it, why don't we foam at the mouth a little? Act crazy. Follow the lead of a Great Muslim -- Muhammad Ali, and stop worrying about staying on everyone's good side. America has friends in this world -- sure, they can criticize us, but that's because they're usually as free as us.

Let's not slip 5 or 10 billion bucks to a bunch of lunatics who are raising a generation that worships that cowardly piece of shit Osama Bin Laden just so they'll do their best with their so called army to seal their border on the off chance he and/or his cronies will slip through disguised as refugees.

Hell, I'm sure we have a few extra kilotons of bombage to take on Pakistan if necessary...