And by that time I'm leaving the garage, shades on my face and Howard on the radio.
But I have not come to praise Howard Stern, nor to bury him. People say he has an offensive attitude, or at best an arrested case of social development ... me and 50,000,000 others, however, probably have the same arrested state of development and I think he's funny. I also think it's funny he has two TV Shows of his radio show which itself is more like a TV show.
No, what prompted this review or column or whatever the hell is it you do as Webmisstress Supreme Demetria Monde Thraam called it was a comment made by HS about the afternoon drivetime DJ on the same station here in LA (which HS pointed out is a "Howard Stern Format Station") and probably several other places across the country.
See, this guy... Tom Lycos or Lycas or something has this stupid thing, worthy of Imus on Viagra, called "Flash Friday" -- the idea is that men are supposed to drive with their headlights on during his show (at least until it gets dark at which time what? They turn them off?) on Friday and "babes" along the highways and byways will show the guy "their rack," and with luck not cause an accident. Now while I admit I drive home every Friday with my lights on hoping some woman will display her bodacious tatas - and I do that because I'm a guy and guys are stupid and for the same reason I nearly choke to death on my morning herbal and pharmaceutical Ashramtray full of capsules and pills when I know damn well they won't do any good.
Tom also holds raucous "Listener Parties" where people are supposed to get inebriated and meet up for anonymous sex in cheap motels out by the airport while he "signs racks" (this guy named "Lenny" did that to some girl at the Y when I was in High School and then allegedly took her someplace and... who knows, maybe Tom is Lenny or Lenny is Tom. Who knows, and besides Lenny, who would care?
Anyway, to make life easier on young woman to flash fellow motorists (or maybe the approach of the end of Daylight Savings Time, or the ever more common daytime running lights -- which are mandatory in Canada and, by the way, telling annoying Petition signature seekers outside grocery stores you're a Canuck works great), Tom is now giving out bumper stickers encouraging the same sort of activity.
I didn't realize how lame the whole Lycas 101/Flash Friday thing was until HS mumbled in distaste over the bumper stickers.
Tom's latest thing is giving women a "crack in the ass" (where if they don't already have a crack, they're in trouble). Indeed, just the other day they (he and some others) beat a naked girl black and blue and admitted they got hard doing it. Okay, she liked it and FUCK I'm a big fan of free speech and all, but I decided to spin (well, push) the old radio dial (buttons).
I was saddened by the fact that this talk radio nonsense - these HS Wannabes - have taken over most of the FM bands. In my diligent search the only good stations I found were good old "we're old now but still too hip" KROQ and a really cool rap/hip hop station where the DJ sounds a lot like a Barry White wannabe but at least plays decent music.
No jazz station... no classic rock shit.....
What happened? Well, Howard Stern, like he himself will only be too happy to tell you, changed the face of radio... unfortunately, he only changed it for the good during his own show. When he leaves one day it will all revert to "normal" and DJs will again be pawns of the music industry.
I have conflicting feelings about that, but in the meantime....
EVERYBODY SING: "Jackie issssss a dru-unk!"