Actually, it's been time to diet for a long time now ... ever since I realized that all those young ladies who, with hindsight I realized wanted to fuck my nuts out of me probably would be relieved they had not done so ... and those who did ... well, I'm hiding from them,

i doubt I'll ever get back to my fighting weight, but as of last weeks trip to el doctor I realized maybe I should just like adjust my fighting weight upward, since it was never too low anyway.

But what's a prospective dieter to do? Sure, the Hammer Slammer's Diet works ... but there are obvious drawbacks and bizarre sugary cravings and a feeling you deserve it afteward.

There's the so-called Atkins diet which actually throws your body into an emergency diabetes mode. Doesn't sound so great.

Then there's the Zone. A lot of my Hollywood Friends, and I have many famous ones, are on this and have breakfast, lunch and dinner delivered to their home. OK... so they can never go out until they're thin, but they're stars and this is Hollywood. Geeks like me can walk around in sweats at Ralphs checking out all the diet foods which I know damn well if I ate I would only gain weight.

Then there's the 24 Hour Hollywood Liquid Diet. You comprendŽ -- you just drink saur kraut, prune and carrot juice in a wheat grass base for 2 days and you'll lose weight.Body Solutions night time formula. Drink it before you go to bed and lose while you sleep.

Here's some dieting keys folks. If it gives you energy it has Ma Haung in it, which is raw ephedra, the stuff they use to make ephedrine for Vicks Inhalers and a supposed ingredient in methamphetamine.

Well, unless you go on the speed freak plan, meth isn't that great for those with serious weight issues, and I doubt eating the scrapings of the bark from which some precursor is made is much better.... much more jittery high anyway.

If a product says you'll lose weight while you sleep, it's undoubtedly a laxative. Nothing wrong with cleaning out the old system when necessary, but you don't want to get into the habit of drinking aloe vera nightly.

When you have major stoppage, you won't be able to get through.

Which brings me finally to WOWWOW really clears you out stem to stern ... and there may be anywhere groom 20 to 70 pounds of rotting fecal material you really would be better without (I think they said 70 -- hell, I'd settle for 20).

Of course after a dose your asshole must feel like Kevin "Twin" Glean after a few hours at a glory hole in West Hollywood ... which means sore as hell, but also, possible, if that's your think, quite good.

So what do I plan to do? Well, first I've polished off all the ice cream and ice cream like products in the Millennial Condo. Tonight for dinner I had 2 eggs, spinach, mushrooms, some herring and noodles. Even with the sesame seed oil (just a tad) I figure that comes to 500 calories. Earlier I had an orange soda to wash down the 6 Swiss Kris and 3 stool softeners.

And next week, if my collars are still too tight, I may have to give up my beloved Granola Bars.

Oh, i should exercise, but hobbies have managed to totally fuck up each of my limbs....

So if this doesn't work, it's Hammer Slammers Time twice a week (with NO meals), and perhaps a new screen name on AOL because there's apparently a subsection of gay men who like fat men.

So I'll buy some WOW and who knows, maybe I'll like it.....

In the meantime, ladies, if you don't mind the heir in exile to an empire and the credit cards to prove it, with a full time job who doesn't much care what YOUR size happens to be or if you got whacked with a sledgehammer in the nose ... especially if you're rich ... write me before I do something stupid.