NOTE: Bao Dai of Hollywood, donning his Nostradamus costume, may make some predictions in the following installment, and if you tune back regularly, and if this site does not become the cyber equivalent of a homeless person on crack (see: [HUH? Click here!], you'll be able to see if BDH is right or wrong and then poke jolly at him or throw beer bottles or whatever.

EPISODES 16,17 & 18: HATRED HEARTS

Jamie tells Matt he is seeking a more spiritual life (or something). Then he tries to find it in Mormon Girl's pants, Sparks fly between Jamie and Mormon Girl until things get so hot a little colored boy from the neighborhood forces them into a mudpit to cool down, but it only heats things up until, at the New Orleans Jazz Festival, Jamie finds his higher consciousness ... his spirituality de jour so to speak, with Julie's head in his lap....

Then a strange thing happens. They uncouple and it's like that episode of the Simpsons where the real Seymour Skinner returns and Springfield decides it doesn't like him so they send him off and a judge decrees that no one will ever speak of it again.

Julie then starts dating like my ex-wife.

Meanwhile, Melissa tries painting to soothe the crazed demons of her soul, and through her teacher, Matt meets an ebony beauty and gives her his web site address, asking her to sign his guest book... well Julie, who clearly still has the hots for Matt who still clearly has a boner (assuming he can get one) for her pretends she's this chick, signs his web site as this chick and Matt gets the girl's number, calls and makes a total fool of himself which is OK because I thought the babe was a transvestite anyway... hey, New Orleans, you can't be too careful.

Speaking of not caring, David tries to produce another of their TV shows... this one an unscripted "fashion show" featuring a bunch of strippers and him in their own bathing suits. It's good, they say, but then hey... public access fucking TV... my bare ass would look better than most of the crap they put on there.

Still in heat, David decides to have a "stripper hot tub party". They couldn't show much of it because... well, the hot tub was very bootified and juicefull and skanky. David knows he's hated by the house, and frankly, doesn't give a shit. As he says "Everyone just want to hate on me." Well learn English you nimrod -- maybe you could communicate with those other dorks.

And as an ugly storm gathers over Belfort Mansion where lightning will strike letting David know what a shit heel they think he is to them, anyone who can't see that Matt and Julie belong locked in eternal virginal lust is fucking blind. Shit, even her gay hairdresser knows for sure......

EPISODES 14+15: JULIE, JULIE, JULIE

Four months into it, almost at the end, as Kelly is deciding to either emotionally castrate or Paul, her (not Danny's) infrequently seen and probably married lover, the show finally gets good... but first....

1. Notice how Melissa has sort of stayed in the background after she announced she was going to a shrink due to an impending mental breakdown? They have many miracle drugs to help her kind today... Prozac, Valium, Xanax, Zoloft, and fortunately in her case (and for our viewing sanity) some docs still insist on massive doses of Thorazine and the occasional electrical shock to the head (or are the rumors true? Was she lobotomized?). Anyway, the end result is that psycho bitch has finally shut up;

2. Everyone Hates Jamie will be on CBS' Monday line-up of Summer Replacement shows;

3. Tec, to go back to the golden age of The Real World which was on Hawaii, now has a soulful hip hop show on MTV each afternoon, somehow getting blacker by the minute; and

4. Although it looked like David was coming out of his shell in Africa, rumor has it he went back to Belfort, sequestered himself in a room with a case of Mad Dog 20/20 a kilo of coke and a pound of baking soda and lots of steroids. God only knows what the fuck will crawl out in the season finale.

Now for our girl Julie, whose relationship with her domineering father dominated these two episodes... good shit, man... young Mormon Girl who spent her life doing right by Daddy struggles with guilt and the uncontrollable need to curse while her father acts like, well, a father.

Julie is so cute in this role I just wanted to crawl into the TV and hold her and maybe nuzzle her neck and then.... sorry... cold shower time.

Anyway, Mom and Dad and brothers and sisters arrive (Mormons have lots of kids because they want to make sure there's at least two virgins left to sacrifice to Quezacoatl in the event of a really bad wild Indian attack or something). Oddly, they also brought along a Mormon punk rock band, and a good deal of the Episode 14 is spent with Danny teaching these young men the joys of man love -- or maybe it was that they figured him for a pervert (and so all stripped and hopped into the hot tub with him... wait, that was Undressed and those were women... sorry, MTV is just so gay any more I'm easily confused. These boys were homophobic, or so my so-called often totally wrong TV Guide Cable Thing said... although in my opinion they were just stupid, saying stupid things -- essentially asking Danny what it's like to be a hell bound faggot which culminated in a little speech in the Confessional by Danny (whose head kept trying to dodge credits -- it was pretty fucking amazing) about the societal stigma of being gay and how he wanted to represent gay America to these boys, but since he was only one guy, didn't really feel up to it (hmmmmmmm).

But it was Julie's show(s) to shine, and she did so brilliantly, running the gamut of emotions from elation to anger to tears as she and her father had one of those classic moments about which The Real World is, well, really all about: Teen to Twenty Something Angst and Rebellion (she has a tattoo; Dad doesn't like her toe ring, or the fact she's wearing a sweater, or that David is black or that Melissa is insane or that Kelly (who understands him) is a self proclaimed "Neurotic Bitch" ("Not a psycho bitch!").

Mr. Mormon is like a guy who acts like a Dad who fought in WW2, but he's too young: he's also got a virginal daughter who is suddenly cursing like a sailor, sleeping with a homosexual male, missing temple and going to raves (presumably without Ecstasy but with "weird" (to him) make up smeared when she wanders into the mansion ion a daze at seven a.m..

Actually it's little wonder David was in hiding freebasing and working out and Melissa was in a Thorazine stupor and Danny's upstairs sequestered with a wide range of sex toys and everyone else stayed out of his way... well, except Matt... who used his albino skin to imitate the "Murdering Ghost of Belfort Manor" and finally chased Julie's family back to where ever the fuck they came from (actually, he didn't, but it would have made a good show better).

EPISODES 12+13: PSYCHO BITCHES RUTTIN' ON DA BAYOU

The gang is back from Africa and horny as hell... jungle lust and all that shit... well, at least for Mormon Girl, who is looking for boys in all the wrong places, and meets a gay one named Matt.

This Matt, who was on for all of two seconds is not to be confused with the house mate Matt (who everyone knows should get it on with Julie before the season's out slapping her fat ass and screaming "Psycho Bitch" at the top of his lungs) although time is now running out and the chance of them both ending up drunk and naked - together anyway - are well, none.

Speaking of Matt (of the Mansion), he finally explains to Gay Danny that he is should only have sex when there's a chance to procreate and ergo Paul cornholing Danny is wrong... especially in front of Danny's whole family who comes to visit and watch him fawn all over his man in uniform -- but then Matt, ever the hopeful prelate of the Pope invites Danny to come to Mass with him... I have it on good word that they cut the part out where Danny told Matt they could try coming together whenever Matt wanted and cut right to the Confessional where Matt was saying he had a lot to learn about homosexuality with a silly grin on his face.

Frankly even I was embarrassed for Danny's family and getting a little annoyed at the way he's decided to force them to accept not only the fact that he likes large things stuck up the poop shoot, but that his boyfriend has a head that emits this weird fog... they call it "Gay Fog"... oh wait, BM Productions just called to remind me that's "tiling" to protect Paul's ID since he's in the Army. My apologies to all homosexuals out there.

Back to Julie's quest for love without sex. She gets the Mormon hots for this waiter named Baxter who is an alcoholic in training and throws parties featuring female boxing. He called her "psycho bitch" (in a scene that was cut) and Julie, who has no other outlet for her hormones, damn near faints and runs into that boxing ring in a warped need to defend her Mormon chastity from the horn demons of New Orleans.... and she gets the crap beat out of her. She decides maybe the waiter Baxter isn't for her, but only after she pulls the move all Mormon girls are taught to make on first dates... putting her legs in his lap. Don't ask me why they do it, but they all do, at least in my, and Baxter's, experience. You don't even need to call them "psycho bitch."

She ends her 2 show quest for love asking David to find her a nice Christian boy. David called her "Psycho Bitch" (I heard it, didn't you?) and told her to take off her pants and the show ended. Hmmmmmmmm.....

Meanwhile, Jamie, feeling his Caucasian roots, produces their stupid public access TV show featuring "The Influence of African Music on Black Music" and a bunch of old black guys being interviewed by Matt and Melissa (who for once kept her damn trap shut for most of the 2 episodes, not even hinting that she is black which is good because I know a Samoan when I see one and I'm sick of her lies).

So Jamie as producer bombed and he tried to blame everyone, especially Kelly, for whom he clearly has a raging hard on. Yes, I know he called her psycho bitch. In case you missed what is like the major thesis of this segment: Men don't call women who look like Kelly "psycho bitch" unless they have serious lust issues. And Kelly, who many episodes ago wanted to rape Jamie, was all hot and bothered... and you know, you get that humid Mississippi delta musk in the air and y'all be ruttin' in da bayous, well, just about any woman she be gettin' all hot and bothered you call her psycho bitch.......

EPISODES TEN AND ELEVEN: PLAYING SUN CITY/WE DO DAT

Traditionally, the lucky seven who get to have their 15 minutes of celebrity stretched out over about four months get a vacation, a concept I personally find really stupid... a vacation from vacation. I think I read somewhere that's postmodernistic, but this season, it was just tedious.

The entire two episodes can be summed up thus: 1) Melissa didn't want to go on the Vacation to Africa (something to do with mosquitoes); 2) Melissa felt she and David should connect because they're black and in the homeland as it were (except I'm sure David knows full well Melissa's homeland is either Somoa or Bellevue Hospital; 3) Melissa ended up loving Africa, getting spiritual and making a multitude of comments which let us know she really just wants to get David's steroid shrunken dick into her; 4) David was a hot topic of conversation and everyone was happy when he burst into tears in a South African ghetto because they knew, somehow, it would bring them all closer together, and it did, and now David's one of the guys at Belfort Mansion; and 5) it's unclear whether Danny actually went out and tried to pick up native men while everyone else was "AB (?) Sailing (going down a cliff with a rope) and bungee jumping at Victoria Falls (oh yeah, they ended up in a village in Zimbabwe and David gave this stupid doll he got while working as a manager at McDonald's or for being kicked out of the Nation of Islam... something like that... to some little kid he was molesting and talked about it, and himself a lot, which is only slightly better than hearing Melissa talk about herself and worse than Julie asking if the Nation of Islam is the Black Panthers.... and as for David's precious doll? Well last I heard the little kid he gave it to traded it for a stick to some MTV camera guy who hopes to auction it off on e-Bay.

Of course they missed the best part... when each cast member had to swallow a kilo if pure heroin in condoms (Julie gagged, Danny inserted them suppository style) and bring it back to pay for the trip.

BM really ought to put this show into pill form...

EPISODE NINE: GAY TIME IN THE OLD TOWN TONIGHT

... ah, Mardi Gras in the Big Easy... clearly the only reason BM saw fit to set the Seven Strangers up in New Orleans... everything coming down to this one show... this one Fat Tuesday to Lent kind of technicolor fart for which New Orleans is so famous (well, that and drunken corrupt cops and chefs of immense girth, and both of those groups are the way they are in part due to Mardi Gras).

Going into the episode tensions were high... would Danny succumb to a wild, gin soaked homosexual orgy in the middle of the French Quarter around midnight? Would Melissa pull up her shirt and show sailors her pitiful tatas? Would a drunken Jamie drag Matt off to a whore house to get the boy's pipes cleaned? Would David's band get to play, or David get to hog more air time to try to breath some life into his still born musical career? And what of Julie? Would she finally make a five year old's "yuck" face, start with a shot of bourbon and end up a stumbling alcoholic passing out condoms to old tourists in Bermuda Shorts?

And what ever happened to that one night stand that little slut Kelly had back on Valentine's Day? Would the male member of their hot monkey love duo be found mooning a cheering crown from a balcony or would that be her a block down hanging out the window with a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream yelling "Hey guy, got the (hic) time?"

Well, some of that happened, -- at Belfort Mansion became Belfort Brothel after David brought in some girl whose name he never bothered learning and porked her silly with Matt laying and praying in the next bed and while in the other room Kelly had Paul uno mas tiempo (and then Paul proceeded to roam the house nude for cameras, and then as time passed, as time will, the gang (sans David who was back at the house eating BBQ with some homeys) ended up on Ann Rice's float, brought there by her gay son who apparently makes a living giving others tours of his famous mother's house and calling her Anne Rice.

On the float they drank and drank, swilling whiskey from bottles and then peeing into them before throngs of crazed parade watchers and Julie -- sweet Julie -- Julie who praised Mardi Gras for "celebrating sin" -- she stood on the float like some perverted Aztec Goddess forcing fat men to strip for cheap plastic beads while Danny finally managed to snake his tongue down Matt's throat, and then Danny went to -- well, threw -- a gay "flashing" party which ended up with him seeing how good he was at being a sword swallower (or doing something with some strange guy they wouldn't film in the "Confessional") -- something he confessed to his gay lover the next day... well, we think he confessed it... that was his version -- just a kiss between the boys... but he was so worried about catching something other than some fruit loop's beads I have to wonder just what got kissed or what else went on during all this passionate kissing....

And then, as it is after every Mardi Gras, hung over people were filled with regret, ready to start Lent and sweeping up tons of debris... all in all not a bad life.

EPISODE NINE: OF VIRGIN PIMPS AND PSYCHO CLOWNS

In the words of Julie, "So Matt isn't asexual"... and damn if she ain't got a bee in her bonnet because he's set up his own web based dating service -- "Superfly.com" and this week he was trotting in applicants for dates... all blonde, pale, looking a lot like him and acting not the least bit nervous during his interview process ... and we learn that Matt has kissed three girls, or one girl three times, and always on the lips... i doubt there was even any tongue... and he has gone no further, and frankly, let's face facts: We can understand the reason for that... but what he (apparently... the sound isn't so great on my TV) wants is the type of girl of which Mormon Girl does not approve... even though he doesn't want to get laid... or so he says....

A brief note on Julie's recent broken heart: Mormon Girls, who did not make The Rolling Stones Some Girls not only don't want to fuck all night until they have a wedding ring secured to their finger, they want also want another Mormon, or a potential Mormon, because unless he's Mormon Boy, they can't get married in the Temple and Quezicoatl will eat out their livers and feed them to David Crosby... something like that....

It was, inter alia the accusation by Julie that Melissa had "denounced God" which sent Melissa into a berserk rage and, in the closing shot, into a shrink's office, and not to scam drugs, but, because in her own words, spoken (we are left to assume) to an answering machine, "[she's] on the verge of a nervous breakdown."

Why? Because Julie accused her of denigrating Allah?

No, because this week she decided to go with the "My parents were horrible" routine (see earlier episodes) and her house mates eventually got sick of her repeatedly toying aloud with the idea that maybe she should move out and return to the dysfunctionally she calls home... and the house mates, oor the chick house mates at least, finally noticed (or admitted) that she is a complete, narcissistic psycho (speaking of which, why does Matt favor the girl who "looks like I'm looking in the mirror"? Why not just BUY a mirror and beat off? It'd be a lot easier than keeping track of your stupid cyber pimp operation, Matt... oh, you've tired of that... carpal tunnel syndrome and all that... ok....).

Anyway, after Julie admitted that she, too, had once been a raving lunatic like Melissa (I'm sure she exaggerated so as not to alienate the already eggshell personality of Melissa) they broke out the Yellow Pages to find a doctor (where's BM and their expensive rehab facility... What Melissa needs is to break her addiction to being Melissa...

And loony as she is, the show can't stand to lose Melissa... I mean what are they going to do if they did? Show Matt interviewing more dates? Show David trying to act cool? Zoom in on Polo Boy's closeted holier than thouedness? More gay orgies in hot tubs which Danny supposedly gets out of just before they start "bobbing for bananas?"

Come on, without a lunatic like Melissa... one who can be shocking Julie by screaming "FUCK" repeatedly one minute and announce she's her one and only true friend the next, the show would go to hell in a shit basket... or they could bring back Puck and Ruthie to replace her...... Ahhhh... as the boredom turns......

EPISODE EIGHT: OH SAY CAN WE PLEASE?

David is producing the second loser show on New Orleans Cable Access TV and gets all Orwellian on everyone, who, thinking "Who is this Mussolini in a smelly do rag?" decide to fuck up for the sake of fucking up - well, except Matt, who digs being David's silent lieutenant of the New World Order - and are seen driving around New Orleans laughing and mocking David, imagining how pissed off he's going to be at them when they finally meet up, and they do, of course, and he is, of course, and then the five little brats are all calling David a hypocrite behind his back and accusing him (behind his back, but to Matt's face, so not really behind his back, unless Matt's smarter than he looks and is playing both sides against the middle... which is stupid because ultimately, the Seven Idiots will see the show if they aren't opting to watch Son of the Beach, so....

Anyway, they do the second show and it gets about two seconds of Real World airtime (I'm sure David thinks that's due to a Racist plot, and he may not be far from the truth), and the consensus is that save for David becoming as Little Hitler (going so far as to order Danny to go around and see who was circumcised and then requiring endless paperwork to be filled out in ink which fades to invisible so the circumcised could explain why they are circumcised) it was pretty good... David says it was the best ever, which doesn't say much since they only did two of them....

And then David (this must have been the token black show, some sort of perverse act of contrition by BM for focusing on the 'N' Word last week ("Mormon Girl might be a bigot, but WE aren't) gets to sing the National Anthem before some undefined (okay, I missed the first few minutes) sporting event... which he does in a tux a capella (and quite well despite the butcher job done by the editors -- Hmmmm, the same network which will play Hanson doing a Dave Mathews imitation ad nauseum won't play our National Anthem? -- while making these bizarre hand motions, and in the end, everyone, including David's Mom who they flew in and put up at a really crappy hotel (Note: Hampton Inns I'll be glad to five star you for five figures) ends the show in praise of David... well, trying to praise him anyway... "if only he wasn't such an asshole...."

And to think I could have been reviewing American High....

EPISODE EIGHT: MORMONS AND GAYTORS AND NEGROES OH MY!

Well, I didn't miss much sleeping through the first run of this episode. It center almost exclusively with Julie a/k/a Mormon Girl and the fact that until moving into Belfort Mansion she had never seen a person of African American (or African) descent outside of television, which really isn't where this piece of garbage belongs... starts out she uses the word "niggah" or "nigger" and Melissa who is convinced she's black -- especially when David isn't off fixing steroids -- and insists she must "own [her]' blackness. Why doesn't she try owning her Samoaness since I'd lay odds she's dark by way of the Pacific Islands than the, ahem, Dark Continent.

So... it has to be explained to Julie that white people can't use the word "nigger." Yep, that was the bottom line. So Julie tried "colored"... I think you can see where this is going, well, could be going, if everyone wasn't so busy being nice to one another... they are de-Mormonizing Mormon Girl the way an expert old pervert would seduce a teenage girl... killing her ignorance with sickeningly saccharin sweet kindness and understanding. Shit, if the Gang from Hawaii were there can you imagine the head games they'd play on her> And Ruthie had to go to the booby hatch......

This week's adventure was a swamp boat ride, which, if anyone who has ever seen US Marshalls can tell you are a lot more fun when Robert Downey, Jr. isn't onboard passing out party favors and plain old passing out and firing his flare gun at bad angles. Anyway, during the adventure, apparently the guide, some old drunken Cajun (surprised Melissa doesn't claim she's part that too) identifies a bird as a "Long Billed Red Beak Nigger Bird" or something like that to which Melissa, of course, spends the rest of the show whining about and allows Julie to come to the realization she has lead a sheltered life up there at Casa Posse Comatatis, which makes Melissa feel so good she starts in on Jamie because he thinks she's a tad over sensitive. This infuriates her enough that, after some faux cheek kissing, she tweaks his pecker (*and finding it soft goes to find a man to fulfill her fantasy of being bound and whipped by some guy in a hood telling her she's a worthless piece of shit "N word" bitch who'.... anyway, she left him alone and disappeared......

Told you I didn't miss much sleeping.

EPISODE SEVEN: HEY GUYS! LET'S PUT ON A SHOW!

What can one say about a half hour show about seven supposedly hip and trendy people under the gun to produce a Public Access Television Show for the African American version of Adolph Hitler, a/k/a Elton the Station Manager?

Well, Kelly or Kelley or however she spells it said a lot -- about how she was hoping to use the show as a "resume booster"... an analogical rocket as it were to boost her into the realms of the likes of her heroine, Oprah... but how since no one was going to listen to her as producer the show was going to suck... and Melissa could say a lot, like how the show was going to suck raw eggs and it obviously made her so nervous that for once her schizophrenia was at least half contained... and Danny was apparently too busy getting boffed to say much but did something which obviously upset Kelly the Wicked Wench but he gave his puppy dog smile and all was either forgiven or forgotten... and David could say something, or rather SING something, like the opening part which everyone else spoke and although everyone else said he sounded like a complete idiot doing a cheesy bad rap number, everyone, including David knew he was going to do it his way anyway and so he did and, it did look stupid no matter how good and filled with secret meaning [like "I wish I had my ugly black ass on Survivor] he insists it was... and Jamie can manage to say nothing more than the obvious: "This show means nothing" (which show? The Real World or the hokey Public Access one?), and Matt can be Mr. Diligence and work his butt off to build a set which it turns out they can't use and he can explain to Elton that it's going so bad that 24 hours before the show if he doesn't say something nice to them they'll all go home crying (got to remember these guys aren't in it for their maturity)... but it's Mormon girl who cuts straight to the chase, not only by reminding everyone who is watching their Public Access Debut (3 drunken whores in between tricks?) that she wants Matt to pop her Mormon cherry ("I like boys with spiky hair!"), but also, after it is all said and done amidst everyone slapping high fives and being all self congratulatory she said... "The first show sucked (stunk? something like that... she's a Mormon). Am I the only one who can see that?" No, you aren't...

... unfortunately the same can be said so far for this year's The Real World.

EPISODE SIX: VALENTINE JUJU DU BELFORT MANSION

This season has become so boring that I almost decided to forego the column this week but then realized it was also so boring that it would only take me fifteen minutes to crank out (and I'm one slowwwww funky typist)... so here we go.... Day breaks as the gang prepares for Valentine's Day at Belfort Mansion (hey, it only took me 3.5 hours of viewing to get the name of the house right, back off)... or prepares to be disappointed, or just generally dis Valentine's Day, or in Melissa's case, be schizoid about it, saying she loves/hates everyone and being noticiably dateless and calling Julie a nerd while Julie reveals may or may not be having a hot and lusty incestuous (oral) relationship with her brother who thinks Tarot Cards are the keys to Hell (but was visiting anyway, and aside from Julie, seemed more real than the rest of the Real World "cast," as Julie may as well put her cherry on a hot fudge sundae for Matt, who is totally oblivious to her virgin, Mormon lust (or totally gay... actually I have my suspicions as to whether he joined the bevy of boy beauties Danny had skinny dipping in the hot tub for the inevitable drunken Daisy Chain with poppers which had to ensue after Danny, who is so horny for his Man in Uniform (a Soul Man in Uniform), Paul, that he's wobbling on that thin tightrope of abstinence in a city known for it's opportunities to sin in any way one might desire and actually breaking out in zits while Jamie is ordering Self Help books for everyone for D-day from Amazon.com (and BM missed the Product Placement bucks, unlike SOME of us) while Kelly is doing the nasty in a hotel room (doesn't the Mansion have a "Fuck Room"?) with her wealthy young resident who has sold her that old "my girlfriend and I agreed to see other people" line to get into her panties, and so finally Paul, Danny's lover arrives with lots of Chinese noodles and a little (or a big) something else Danny's been missing, and David "don't be celebrating no Valentine's Day even if I fuck de bitch", which he probably won't with his steroid shrunk genitalia, and presumably Matt.... well, Matt either has a burr up his butt about something or disappeared with the dozen or so gay guys Danny brought home for the alleged aborted orgy (so maybe it's a gerbil up the butt, or he's constipated, or going through chronic heroin withdrawals... that boy needs help -- he has no clue what he's missing because there ain't much better than When A Mormon Girl Goes Bad which I hope is eventually the title of at least one episode this season.....

Back to the Beginning..... EPISODE ONE: THE GATHERING, BIG EASY STYLE

NOTE: The young man/house mate identified below in "Episode One"ss "Black Danny" is really named David. Accordingly the qualifiers "Black" and "Gay" were at least arguably not needed when ever I mentioned Danny. Danny is the token Gay Guy. David is the token Black Guy. Had I watched more of the show, or at least watched it more closely I would not have received the various complaints, death threats and mail ranging in tone from calmly scolding to out right hatred from, among others, the NAACP, the Pink Panthers and the Mormon Church... well, maybe the Mormons. So, apologies all around, next round is on Norm Watkins for his sheer irresponsibility in allowing the "review" to be posted as written. -BDH

Welcome to "Na O'leans" home of America's Mardi Gras with its boobie shaking drunken hussies hanging from balconies trying to tempt virginal country boys upstairs for a Mint Julep and their chance to stick their dicks in something other than a calf (or, well, it being Mardi Gras and New Orleans and all, perhaps the boy will get up there and find a calf wearing a dress... or Uncle Wilbur exposing his bung hole and hootin' it up with the hussies, you never know).

Now to be fair, New Orleans is also: home to some of the best restaurants in the US with the fattest chefs; the Most underpaid, understaff and per capita corrupt police force in the US (it recently hired "Technical Advisors" from LA's Rampart District when an extra $278,000 was discovered in the budget); and going there is a lot of people's idea of a way to have a good time, especially before Lent kicks into high gear.

So into this mess, the good people at BM Productions have interjected seven predictably attractive 18 to 24 year old strangers.

Episode One, which Steve Hochman of the LA Times, a paper which stupidly will not run my column or even publish one of my frequent letters to the editor, said it could be entitled "Let's Freak Out Julie" (Steve was clearly really trying HARD to be funny... and as usual, he ended up sounding like the kind of idiot who will go far at the Times), really was a "let's get to know the cast and see them in this mansion where they'll live... a place so big it actually has it's name in big black letters over the door (in case anyone was wondering about the origins of "Trailer Park Chic," the answer is apparently "New Orleans"-- remember that if Regis Philbin ever stops by wanting to use the bathroom.... "is that your final answer? Sure about that? Final answer now....").

Typical of The Real World this huge fucking place has the requisite pool table and hot tub to invite crazed unprotected group sex. Also typical of The Real World this huge mansion only has 2 or maybe three bedrooms in which to sleep the seven and I'm betting ONE bathroom (of course when it was built it probably had an out house by the slave quarters). Let's meet the Seven Strangers, each of whom have a "secret" (the producers seemed to make this a subtheme, ignoring threats from I've Got a Multimillion Dollar Secret (Fox, Wed. @ 9 p.m.), the ever popular Game Show Network which runs the original I've Got a Secret, NBC and CBS and Merv "I've got a secret myself" Griffin, all of which/whom claim they own I've Got a Secret and the very real danger of Dorothy Killgallon rolling over in her grave causing the San Andreas Fault to rupture like it has never ruptured before)....

Melissa

Melissa is a half Filipino (or something) and half African American (or otherwise black, perhaps from Africa or the Islands, mon, or the Outback...) and all bitch. She will come to dominate the house, remove any doubt the gay guy may have about his sexual preference, possibly murder the Mormon girl and is most likely to rape the 18 year old virgin male (unless he decides to pretend he's gay as a matter of self preservation).

It should also be noted that Melissa when, given the opportunity, chooses to speak Ebonics and dislikes gays (as she showed before she realized the gay guy is gay.

Black Danny

Black Danny is the token "real" African American from Chicago's South Side and has a big chip on his shoulder about the other guy from the Windy City, who grew up on the North Shore and probably got a BMW Z3 for his 16th birthday and only drove it to Black Danny's neighborhood to buy "drugs".

Black Danny has lots of muscles and lots of anger... in fact, he's a body builder and possible steroid freak (think what a good case of Roid Rage could do for Sweeps!).

Black Danny wants to take his clothes off at a strip club... on stage. He did not say he wanted to start the act as a female impersonator, but you never know what they cut on this show. Indeed, as Melissa pointed out, Black Danny has too many muscles... or at least he's too willing to show them, running around constantly in a muscle shirt... and Black Danny's a regular slut when it comes to the bimbos... all of which inevitably raises the old red flag that Black Danny is homosexual and/or homophobic and he's just trying to make sure the gay guy, who he probably thinks is attracted by his mass of muscles, does not get the "wrong" idea and subject his large well muscled body to some sort of involuntary sex ("Please make me take my mouth off that thing!")...

...or he's worried the rest of the house is so PC they will actually fail to note he's black and confuse him with the gay guy who is also named Danny....

Gay Danny

Gay Danny has, to this point, been referred to as "the Gay Guy." He just came out to his parents, which supposedly is like lifting the mansion in which he now lives lifted off his shoulders. The Inside Poop is the Evil Producers have planned a "Tale of Coming Out in Progress..." presumably around Gay Danny, but, er, he has come out... strange juju afoot!

Gay Danny has a steady boyfriend -- a military man (whose face is distorted in pictures to save his career killing people) who will be visiting the mansion and probably getting in the hot tub, maybe with Black Danny and the other fellows at the Mansion during Sweeps Week to The Village People's In the Navy,

WARNING, WARNING WILL ROBINSON: There's an outside possibility Gay Danny is not at all gay but simply figures he has the best chance of getting into Mormon Girl's pants if she thinks he's gay. Hey, she's already letting him climb under the covers with her and making cute comments like "You better not wake up straight (haha, double entendre)" -- Mormon Girl is clearly so naive she is completely ignorant of the strange forces which can come over a man when he finds himself in bed with any other living thing resembling a human... and Gay Danny did say he likes girls, but does not think he's bi... and (hahahahaha) Mormon Girl bought it.

Matt

Matt, is the 18 year old male with spiked hair from rural Georgia who wears red tinted sunglasses all the time, has a (mutual) crush on Mormon Girl (which is nice... although Mormon Girl states she was raised not to be attracted to non-Mormons (how she can tell outside of a Temple is beyond me -- are they double secret circumcised?).

Black Danny has a crush on her too... and if she really wants to horrify her parents, she'll choose Black Danny, perhaps after she finds Gay Danny isn't that sure he's gay and also has a crush on her.

Virgin now or not, given everyone's natural urge to deflower someone, I'll wager Matt boinks/gets boinked more than anyone else in the House and probably won't even have to try. The town, after all, is called "The Big Easy," Mardi Gras is coming, at least 2 of the three females in the house want him bad, he's innocent, boyishly cute and charming and an almost certain target for every madam and whore in New Orleans. Plus, maybe Gay Danny's boyfriend will convince him to undergo a little "basic training."

Kelley I must have gone to the bathroom or given up on the show early because frankly all I recall her (or him, I'm not sure) doing is organizing everyone's sleeping arrangements. I suspect she/he -- same personality however -- is the Kaia (from the Hawaii Shows last year), although better looking and quite a bit nicer. Look for some fights centering around Melissa's desire to be the bologna in a "Man Sandwich" (in fact she had taken to screaming for a Man Sandwich on the street the first night out).

I bet both Mormon Girl and this Kelley want to put Melissa six feet under for this little trait... albeit for different reasons.

Julie

Up to now I have referred to Julie as Mormon Girl. I've also told pretty much all there is to tell about her. She's pretty, she doesn't drink, smoke, have sex, and goes to church (Temple) and thinks Jesus came to America around 32 AD. Julie is good, virginal and since MTV is banned from her Dorm at BYU one must wonder how she ever heard of The Real World, let alone why she wanted to be on it.

I think we should all accept that one of this season's MAJOR plot lines is likely to be: Will Julie succumb to the "evils" of New Orleans and the mansion which is just dripping with Faulkneresque moral decay (and if so when and by whom is her cherry popped? Does she end up doing cheap porn for the price of a few hits of crack?) OR will Julie blow a fuse, and in a fit of moral indignation:

a) kill everyone; or

b) get all evangelical; or

c) run back to her family and church with or without a nasty case of herpes?

Jamie

Jamie is your basic upper middle to upper class kid who knows it ("the stork dropped me in the right place"). He appreciates having lived life on Chicago's North Shore and never lacking not only for generic Cheerios, but for Designer Muesli and farm fresh eggs upon awakening.

Black Danny does not appreciate him, his attitude or the fact Jamie only visited Black Danny's neighborhood to buy drugs and unwittingly start gang wars (Black Danny knew better than to venture North lest he end up Chicago's Answer to Rodney King... indeed, wouldn't the whole show be a lot more interesting if Rodney himself had submitted his beating as his audition tape and been selected instead of, say, Kelley?).

Jamie also thinks he's hot stuff and is convinced Gay Danny is flirting with him (and perhaps Gay Danny's Gadar is on high alert around Jamie... maybe Jamie's the one with the "Coming Out" story line....)

Anyway, expect a lot of conflict in New Orleans... perhaps even an on camera murder at Mardi Gras (Nawwwwwww..... if they wouldn't cast anyone willing to take a hockey stick to Puck in San Francisco, that's doubtful).

It is, however, New Orleans, Land of Cajun Fried Zombies. My super secret inside sources tell me viewers should not be surprised if there isn't some seriously bad juju, one or more sudden and shocking "conversions," all leading to the ruination and/or salvation of one or more of the Seven.

Ultimately, the only real plot question is: Which of the Seven Strangers Shall be Crowned Voodoo Queen?

EPISODE TWO: Introducing Psycho Girl:

Last season after weeks of near alcohol poisoning and drunk driving around Hawaii the good folks at BM Productions, or more likely their insurance carrier, insisted they toss Ruthie's butt off the show or into rehab.

The Oscars and MTV Movie Awards and probably even Ozzie and Harriett feel (felt) they must out do themselves each year. This attitude explains why The Real World has, for this season, placed Melissa, a/k/a Psycho Girl into the House (a/k/a Belmont Mansion).

While part of this week's installment dwelt on Mormon Julie's slow begrudging acceptance of Gay Danny ("It's (homosexuality) is wrong, but I love you anyway), her facing a bowl of fruit and condoms in the kitchen and her slow simmer bond with Young Matt, the real action revolved around Melissa, who was slowly, but surely revealed to be in deep need of heavy doses of Lithium if not Thorazine if not a lobotomy by the following (roughly recounted in chronological order/as edited by the good folks at BM Productions:

1. David (the Black Guy with Muscles) and her chatting (seems David has more than muscle for a brain) in the kitchen about ghetto cooking, with Melissa playing the Black Ghetto Poser;

2. Cut to Melissa in "confessional" admitting she knew nothing of being poor or a bad home life or the ghetto;

3. Cut to Melissa complaining about her rotten family life to Matt and Julie and how her parents totally ignored her;

4. Cut to Melissa trying to hit on David, working their alleged "black bond" as a sexual tease as they strolled the city;

5. Cut to David saying he thought Melissa and he would end up fucking each others' brains out;

6. Cut to Melissa calling home in tears telling parents how much she missed them;

7. Cut to Melissa saying how great her folks are;

8. Cut to the Gang all out on the town, partying down... well, as best you can in Sin City with a Mormon and a weird but nice naive virginal 18 year old boy who doesn't drink and David the muscular egomaniac who is trying to hit on Melissa who keeps saying she has had a bad day and so is going to get drunk (the rest of the gang "disapproves" in confessionals... where did they get them, the freaking Partnership for No Fun Allowed?)... and proceeds to make everyone think she's getting blasted;

9. Cut to Melissa, now on her third drink, tipsy and needy and pathetically begging someone to stay with her;

10. Cut to David leaving, saying he just didn't feel it with Melissa (so, lets see, she don't fuck, he goes home mad?);

11. Cut to strip club where a drunk acting Melissa forces her way on stage and reveals her breasts for a total of about two bucks in tips;

12. Cut to Melissa and David in bed, fully clothed, fighting because she chose "alcohol over [him]" (Query: Should this Episode be renamed "Introducing Psycho Girl and Ego Man"?). Melissa leaves and tells David she doesn't want him to speak to her for the next five months;

13. Cut to me asking "Do I have to watch this tripe for the next fucking five months... I'd rather see a computer blurred image of Danny doing the Nasty with his boyfriend... or David turning out Julie as a whore during Mardi Gras... or Andy Griffith reruns -- the ones featuring Aunt Bea and Clara the Lesbian;

14. Cut to David taking Melissa at her word and ignoring her the next day, which leads to a tearful, pathetic, pitiful apology ... and as they hug Melissa's "Confessional" about it is voiced over and she explains she only apologized and said she really liked and cared for David because David is such a fucking asshole of an egomaniac and was ignoring everyone because he was mad at her (something I suspect may have little to do with the Real World... the place, not the show).

Hey, what can I say... it'll get better folks... think of the plot possibilities... from Melissa gets the strait jacket in Episode 5 to Melissa slowly kills off each house mate in something akin to a Real World Murder Mystery Weekend Vacation.

Ruthie... you should have said you were an alcoholic... you may have spared us Melissa... and for that, we may never forgive your drunken Hawaiian butt....

EPISODE THREE -- PSYCHO GIRL'S MOST BORING DATE

And to think I had to switch over and miss the last half hour of The Lord of the Flies to watch this piece of crap....

Anyway, this half hour in the lives of the Lucky (or maybe Not So Lucky) 7 centered on some rich frat boy at some podunk college in New Orleans who Melissa obviously tricked running errands with her (shades of the ex-wife) and then decided he might be a good catch after he did things like open the car door for her, buy her a sandwich and help her on with her coat. He also didn't crack up and try to get her to turn tricks on Bourbon Street when she began putting herself down for having a "ghetto butt".

Caveat in Confessional: Melissa feels she might be interested in Mr. $$ if he is willing to commit to her. This is before the first date with Mr. money.

WARNING, WARNING WILL ROBINSON

Oh, I refer to Melissa's beau (hey, New Orleans, right?) as "Mr. $$" because his name is Matt and he should not be confused with the 18 year old nodrinknosmokenosexredglasses Matt who I've decided will either come out of the closet and be deflowered by Danny or deflower Julie... after all, it's MTV... no virgins allowed.

Well, turns out Mr. $$'s idea of a "date" is to throw himself a huge party with limos for 20 or 50 of his closest rich friends who also can't get dates, so Melissa drags along Julie a/k/a Mormon Girl. Melissa ends up insulting herself the whole time, and then turns on the frat boys, claiming they'd never speak to her if she didn't live in the big mansion. Matt and her end up in the hot tub and she rejects his romantic advances, bringing up his Gucci Loafers, and it turns out that's apparently the whole problem... Melissa is a chick in Target Jeans and feels she doesn't belong in Mr. $$'s Gucci world.

Oh, she also hates Jamie because he's rich and white, and claims she can get any man (bet not Danny!) but tends toward scruffy white virgins who (apparently) have no manners or money, or maybe just treat her as the bitch HO she believes is the True Melissa... and you guys wrote asking why I called her Psycho Girl.... The show ended with her debating with herself whether she dumped Mr. $$ or he dumped her and everyone else telling her to shut the fuck up and go to sleep.

The gang also got a job at putting on a weekly public access show and their boss, Elton, is apparently an Odessa File kind of Nazi escapee, or at least a former Drill Sergeant. But they did get a vehicle... one of those GIANT fucking SUVs that take up three parking spaces.

Big whoop.

Now next week they've promised a little in-Mansion sexual escapades or at least heavy teasing if not petting.

Me, I'm thinking I should have tried for the gig reviewing Road Rules, but then my dear friends at BM Productions go and tantalize me with promises of cheap porn, and you know, Kelley is really gorgeous... I been noticing that....

EPISODE FOUR: THE ZOMBIE CUPID OF BELMONT MANOR

Spring and consequently love are in the New Orleans air. Jamie, who is a real Dog when it comes to "relationships" is being pursued, stealthily by Kelly (finally spelling her name right) and, because she's psychotic and does not want to be left out, Melissa.... Melissa whose schizo life I'm so fucking sick of I'm not going to report further on her ongoing psychosis except to say that Ms. Man Sandwich can also be seen insisting she is disgusted by sex when she is not pursuing Jamie like some rutting mongrel bitch on hormones.

Meanwhile, Jamie, who has done everything in the world except sky dive without a parachute, realized both Jamie and Melissa want to jump his bones. Initially, at least, it looks like he has enough brains to know you don't bone a psych and not live to regret it, but by the end of the episode they are taking a bubble bath (in bathing suits) and kissing. In the interim, Kelly has slipped off over night with some guy named Peter who claims he is a doctor and although she denies it when a horrified Mormon Girl asks if they did the nasty, I bet at least plays a mean game of Doctor.

Mormon Girl for her part has finally confessed that she would like to "know Matt (the Virgin) in the Biblical sense... just kidding [my butt]."

Speaking of butts... BUT there's something wrong with Matt and the behind the scenes rumors floating out of the BM offices range from he's a gay homophobe (he likes to "accessorize," according to his "Casting" interview, but insists he "hates drag queens" calling them "messed up clowns") to he belongs to a bizarre back woods one eyed snake handling cult to he is actually just a redneck homicidal homophobe who has hidden himself among the cast in order to kill Danny (the Gay Guy) with an exploding butt plug....

So stay tuned... Will Melissa kill Kelly her competition and bed mate at Belmont Manor? Will Jamie actually be dumb enough to boff Melissa and will her reaction when he dumps her (or doesn't) rival that which occurred above Hiroshima? Is Matt gay, just minus testicles or really a homicidal homophobe after Danny? Will Danny be seduced by a female impersonating a female impersonator? Will Mormon girl bring out Matt's sexuality and end up knocked up?

And let's not forget David? Will he die of his addiction to steroids or will he start talking to someone and once again become part of the show, perhaps after rehab including shock therapy?

EPISODE FIVE: More Psychosis with Psycho Girl:

This week it appeared as if the real question the Seven Strangers would be wrasslin' with is "Should We Become Six?"

See. David, the (probably) steroid injecting mutant Black Guy who hasn't been seen much since Melissa refused to do the nasty with him was at the center of a horrific, bleep filled fight with (who else?) Melissa and to a lesser extent Kelly over the fact he seems to want nothing to do with their lame job, refuses to attend meetings concerning it and, when he does attend, is the one voice of reason when the others have decided on a really stupid course of action... or maybe he really is just being obstinate for obstinence's sake as the house mates seem to think.

Anyway, it was Cracker Virgin Boy Matt who first hinted that maybe he should leave Belmont Manor if he wasn't going to play ball... of course Matt lacks the cajones to say that to David's face, since David could squeeze his albino ass like a rotten grapefruit if he was so inclined....

...which is doubtful, because it's obvious all David wants to do is wear a funky, smelly old black bandana over his head and do his own thing, whatever that may be (aside from buying steroids and working out).

The meat, so to speak, of this week's episode again revolved around Melissa. It was her birthday and some guy - Brian - the alleged boyfriend who everyone had to expect would be a desperate geek came to New Orleans to celebrate it.

Well, the celebration began at some point on the evening preceding her birthday and Melissa used it as an excuse to get drunk in order to rid herself of Brian by drunkenly simulating intercourse in public with drag queens. Her plan back fired. Turns out it's her psychotic behavior which attracts Brian (obviously a student of abnormal psychology).

So, the show ended with a whimper instead of a boom, although admittedly a surprise. Melissa told Brian it was over (whimper) and he didn't act like some guy paroled by accident from San Quentin (surprise). Poor Melissa (she'd love this) can't win for losing.

Melissa also got drunk (I think Ruthie from Hawaii's Season drank more in an hour than Melissa has all series), proposed to Jamie (a joke? She could always claim so, as could he, who probably isn't crazy about the insanoid stalker in his own home, whether or not he arranged her birthday party, and finally, before delivering the big FUCK YOU JERK to Brian the next day over coffee suggested Jamie, David and she make "a menagerie" by which all viewers were to assume she wanted a menage de trois (for someone in the New Orleans house you'd think her French would be a bit better than mine -- hey, my relatives only FLED to Paris, we didn't try out for the privilege to be a monarchy in exile)... of course maybe she didn't mean that at all... I mean it's Melissa we're talking about. Wouldn't she just strip and summon strangers and friends a like to make her a "Man Sandwich?"

Bor-rrrrrring.

OFFER

Please note: Seven Strangers in the Land of the Voodoo Queen is not sponsored by MTV, VH-1, Disney or the Nashville Network, among others, although Bao Dai of Hollywood will be more than happy to accept any and all corporate sponsorship, and will gladly change the content of Seven Strangers in the Land of the Voodoo Queen to reflect the views of anyone who pays him to do so, including stuff like, for example, making repeated claims the "house mates" all drink Dr. Pepper and Meyer's Rum and/or do so from the time they awaken until they pass out mid-afternoon and/or that one character is running an illegal (as opposed to a legal) methamphetamine lab in the closet and/or the gay character is straight, or, a straight male character really likes the way a big, boner feels all the way up his butt and for a large additional fee, will dummy up some pictures/a downloadable video of said character e.g. bruised, beaten and covered in bodily fluids getting gang banged by member of the Aryan Brotherhood.

Now say the good folks at ABC/Disney (you listening Mike?) would prefer, for altruistic and/or moral and/or greedy reasons, viewers watch NYPD Blue or some piece of crap programming running opposite The Real World (Tuesdays, 10 pmish and ultimately at any hour of the day or night in reruns or marathons). In exchange for a large bundle of cash I'll not only stick some Mickey Mouse Ears all over this site but I'll (quite convincingly) claim that the e.g., sociopathic nymphomaniac with the bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 glued to her lips when they are not otherwise occupado is really a Soccer Mom slash actress with 2.3 children, a balding wage slave of a husband, a house in Encino and one of those monstorous SUVs she uses only to go to the grocery store or down to Sixth and Bonnie Brae/Barrington to buy tar (guess she's resurfacing the driveway in her spare time, using the SUV's Steamroller Option).