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<center><b><u>REVIEW OF THE WEEK<p> by<p> BAO DAI of HOLLYWOOD</b></u><p> Dateline: Hollywood, 5.21.00<p> <b>When Child Star Dramatizations Attack - on FOX<p> </u> or the how <i>Sopranos</i> whacked <i>the X Files</i>... sort of</b>

Well, either you've gotten here and this is the only thing on the site, or you clicked to it, or the place is like my life, a total mess worthy of suicidal intentions, but hey, I'm glad you're here.

I actually have a very good friend who works for the Fox Network - in it's sports department, and not putting relish on John Madden's hot dog either. His name's Bob, and Bob's a Company Man these days and probably isn't thrilled the Sopranos sort of whacked The X Files (which is what happened if no one didn't notice); every morning I awaken to the stylings of Steve Edwards and Jillian and Dorothy on Good Day (or Morning?) LA [hey, it's early]... all of which, coupled with a general sense of the perverse drove me to watch the unauthorized bio-hazardograpy like shows on Fox Tuesday night about the so-called true story behind the Brady Bunch and Different Strokes.

I thought Fox had forsworn cheapo type entertainment like When Animals Attack #54, Who Wants to Marry a Crack Head and Stupid Things Cops Do to Get Killed. Apparently the programming had already been planned for May 16 when that promise was made... if that promise was made....

Actually, I only caught the last half of the Brady Bunch thing, and what really threw me was at first I thought the guy playing Robert "Mike" Reed, the gay guy with three sons and a serious drinking problem (or was it actual acting talent) was supposed to be playing Barry "Greg" Williams (and maybe Barry did play Mike in this recreation of youth, although he's executive producer of an NBC special based on his book that airs tonight (Sunday), so I doubt it - I mean he does dinner theater after all... he has more class than to pull that shit.

000200000674000007F566E, Actually, since I never saw the last episode of The Brady Bunch which apparently, much to the cast's upset, did not feature Robert Reed, I'm clueless as to how accurate or inaccurate the show was BUT within two minutes of tuning in I felt I was watching The Rejected Cast of 90210 Tries to Recreate The Brady Bunch. The Barry/ Greg and Peter/Chris of this show were two rather hairy, buffed out thirty somethings trying to play teenagers. Hence, when Greg/Barry took Mom/Carol on a date and tried to act suave and mature, it was... well, that actually happened, and Mom/Carol turned him down gentlly, but it was probably cute or at least poignantly funny in real life... a sixteen year old horn dogging after his TV Mom trying to act so mature. Cast as Fox did, it reminded me of the opening five minutes of as bad porno movie.

Now it was nice to see Jan/Eve Plumb (played here by someone who looked under 21 at least), who later had a short lived career as a Dawn, the Teenaged prostitute in Movies of the Week and who was always my favorite Brady put the moves on the middle boy (played here by a man closer to forty) ... I mean you know, who hasn't had dreams of Jan the Dominitrix... an d Marcia looked like Marcia (and Mike/Robert Reed really did SOUND like Robert Reed... and since he looked like Greg/Barry grown up, I guess as this Mike said at the end of the show to the bald guy they had playing Sherwood Schwartz, "The only thing you did right was cast those kids", had he been talking about the show he was in, he might well have asked "What the fuck were you on when you cast this show"

000200000B4900000E63B43, Which is not to say The Unauthorized Brady Bunch wins for "Abortion Programming of the Evening. No, that goes to Different Strokes: When the Laughter Stops produced by the same "Rocket Scientists" (that WAS who produced the shows, by the way), told in a convoluted "changed for dramatic purposes" post mortem chronology by the late, once foxy (I bought that Playboy) Dana Plato... or a pretty good actress who looks a lot like she did... well, a lot more than the Johnny Cochran character looked (unless Johnny was once a fat bald man).

I guess it doesn't make a difference, because we all know the story of the three Drummond siblings... one night in a cheap motel I heard Dana Plato was nude in Playboy and the next thing you know I'm in my trench coat at the nearest 7/11 drooling like some old pervert... Gary's folks robbed him blind and his friend, a Michael Jackson impersonator went and got all his toy trains... Willis started sucking the glass dick, shot some guy (or didn't) at a crack house during that tenuous period of sobriety known as the rock induced paranoid black out... Dana robbed a dry cleaner's and had to fuck Wayne Newton to get out of jail (standard punishment in Clark County)... Donna Reed's son began to advocate against allowing children to act, which may explain 90210's use of forty year olds to play High School Freshman but would have put an end to a shit load of money making projects so he was told he'd have to get fucked by Wayne Newton unless he gave up... Dana developed a taste for Valium when she stopped slugging down quarts of Vodka and forged scripts, eventually finding some sort of nightmarish relief in a combination of mild narcotics and Soma (not the fabled stuff, the generally ineffective muscle relaxer), and while Gary was beating the living crap out of an abusive autograph hound at a uniform store in South Central LA, Dana went on Howard Stern and being the nutty kind of chick she was, over reacted to some callers, or maybe her upcoming marriage to a sleaze broker or maybe just the unbearable pain of life itself and either decided to get very loaded or off herself and in any event ended up doing the latter... and Gary worried whether it would have an impact on whether he could afford to keep getting manicures.

Now I'd watch Growing Up Brady a/k/a Barry Williams is a Great Guy, which I'm sure he is and all, to get "the real poop", or at least some poop about TV siblings who aren't presently doing time or likely to, and get my nostalgia fix, but unfortunately it conflicts with the last installment of HBO's The Corner which is going to win Emmys up the ass and is a really great show....

Besides, it's The Brady Bunch. It will be on reruns... everywhere, continuously... until dinosaurs again roam the Earth......

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