<center><p> <b><u>REVIEW OF THE WEEK</u><p> by<p> BAO DAI OF HOLLYWOOD</b><p> </center> <left> DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD 15 0CTOBER 2000<p> </left> <center> <b><u>BORE 2000</b></u><p> </center>

OK, not a very original title, but there isn't much original about the 2000 Presidential Election, so like, who cares? Actually, that's at the root of the problem, but who cares?

Certainly not the generation once thought to contain an over abundance of radicals -- the Baby Boomers - but the fact is not that many were radical... oh, those who bled for Peace at Chicago '68 got TV coverage and were radical. But so do traffic accidents and high speed chases, and the fact is not many people are involved in those either. Ergo I predict a low voter turnout and a Republican victory as a direct result.

In early 1993 I lay in a hospital bed and suddenly realized we had elected the fucking governor of fucking Arkansas President. In January 2001 I hope not to be in a hospital bed, and hope there's no need for an epiphany that we have elected a former owner of a baseball team President... which reminds me -- I had better send in for my absentee ballot soon; there's nothing about this election which can't be handled while watching TV... or a circus tent for that matter.

After the first debate, I thought Bush had won. I thought he sounded pretty good compared to that lying piece of shit escapee from Madam Trousseau's wax museum. This disturbed me, so I took some Idiot's Guide to Voting offered that night by AOL and discovered, for some reason much to my relief, that I should vote for Al Gore (indeed, according to the poll, if I can't vote for Al, I should vote for one of two people I had never heard of and can't recall now before I cast a vote for George W.... For some reason I was relieved.

Disturbance and relief, both vague... those are the forces driving me to the polls this year. It's a sad state of affairs.

Bush, despite his general stupidity, actually hit the nail on the head when he pointed out Clinton had run on Issue X in 1992, Issue X in 1996, and now Gore is running on Issue X in 2000. Fact is, X is apparently a damn good issue. Why in God's name should a politician do anything about X? It will leave him/her something less to run on. The Republicans do the same thing. Fact is no one with a vested interest in the way things are (even if only stomping about screaming to the moon that things must change) has any interest in making any changes.

But I do not want it said that Bao Dai of Hollywood came and saw the 2000 Election and the State of the Union and then just farted without suggesting anything. That's not fair and doing something similar allowed some twins (whom I now will accuse of having incestuous homosexual relations) to give me a shitty grade in English for failing to laugh at all the jokes in the group project on which they allowed no one else to work... that same year I somehow screwed up the chance to go skinny dipping with two bisexual girls in my history class because - yes - because I was embarrassed that the mere idea gave me an erection. I was a stupid kid. After reading the following you may declare me a simpleton, but at least it's not because I don't find incestual homosexual humor funny or because I'm embarrassed by my erection (indeed, I'd typing this with it but the keys are too narrow, I suspect it would hurt anmfd ikdcoln['t6 hjbazv 4e oinme -- see, told you the keys were too narrow).

First, Health Care. Not for seniors or the poor or children, but for everyone -- it would work like this: You go to the doctor -- whomever you like -- get treated and he sends the bill to the Federal government which pays it. Fraud (in paying/charging) cases are referred to the Department of Justice for vigorous prosecution; "overbilling" -- rare after the overbillers are continually audited by premenstrual IRS agents during the early years of my program -- are referred to the Government Services Office or something, which will hire as many out of work employees of health insurers as it can after the health insurers whither and die from lack of purpose.

Second, that Elephant in the Living Room no one acknowledges, ["Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you the War on Drugs]: Let's face it, whatever its genesis (ignorance, prejudice... all that good stuff symbolized by the two waifs (who were not an early version of "heroin chic") beneath the cloak of the Ghost of Christmas Future in A Christmas Carol, the War on Drugs is entrenched in our society and supported not only by a perversion of the Military Industrial Complex about which Ike warned, but also by an interwoven mesh of social services with heavy investment by organized crime. Those who seriously trade in chemical intoxicants no more desire legalization than so-called drug warriors really desire a truly significant drop in illicit use. It's big business and hey those guys don't want to lose their jobs anymore than anyone else.

So what to do? As always with drugs, the wise answer is "moderation." Phase it out, but not as one might think.

1. Stop hiring law enforcement agents to enforce drug prohibition laws and offer early retirement, with full benefits, to all present agents 40 and above. As for the others, as well as the over 40 set who want to retain their badges, either transfer them to a different kind of task force (we'll need lots of people ... bureaucracies love a vacuum) or let them sit there at their desks twiddling their rancid old thumbs and swapping war stories of the good old days when a pot seed would get someone life on a Texas chain gang;

2. Legalize, regulate and tax all drugs of intoxication. It's either as little or well known fact that about 10 years ago the Judges and Justices of the Ninth Circuit (US Federal Court on the West Coast met Mafia style and decided that the War on Drugs was not only a hopeless cause but a stupid one as well. Although these jurists are appointed for life, a majority wanting a shot a cushier job on an (or a higher) appellate bench backed off this position with the following rationale: "Prohibition should end, but since there'd still be a black market because of the desire to addict minors, what's the point?" (they were all geared up for this years election);

3. Point/Counterpoint: Mandatory 25 year sentences for anyone supplying anything from a cigarette to a shot of smack (or more harmful substances) to anyone he/she knew or should have reasonably known to be a minor. Why? Because of the need to compromise; because while many people who presently supply drugs in the unregulated economy of crack and bags and pills and rolls today don't care who makes up their customer base (some do) because a bust is a bust is a bust (and prisons are filled with cronies and offer sometimes needed vacations, Rotarians and JCs DO fear prison; because the masses of unemployed narcotics agents when not designing (or working in) "Psychedelic Theme Parks or acting as bouncers in opium dens, could go after the nasty Mini-Mart for selling reefer to 12 year olds; and

4. We'll be awash in money from taxes and reduced crime and law enforcement so we can even let the old Health Care Bureaucracy retire, get strung out and enter rehab and so on and so on and dooby dooby doo-wan. More people will not become addicts (unless they drop their back alley alcoholism). Let's be mature. If anyone out there really wanted to cop whatever right now, they could... so, like Bore 2000, what's the point? People don't commit crimes if they think they will be caught, so I don't want to hear any of your propaganda.

Finally, the whole Middle East/Other Places Conflicts: Case by case basis. Only way to go. And once we stop worrying whether Paul McCartney is carrying weed in his kit bag, we can concentrate on crazed white supremacists and their damned anthrax virus, which would make "heroin chic" look like a mild cold going around some elementary school.

I know there's more, but being President is tiring. Elect me and find out. NOTE: This has been an unpaid political announcement for Bao Dai of Hollywood, 20000. Please send donations so we can spread the word, grease palms, go on a vacation, et cetera.