REVIEW OF THE WEEK
BAO DAI OF HOLLYWOOD
DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD 08 OCTOBER 2000
PRIDE GOETH BEFORE JACKASS
As the old saying sort of goes, "Good things come in extremely painful
It is with this in a very reflective mind and a left knee which feels like
a triple abscessed molar that I discovered -- well, actually watched fully
for the first time, MTV's Jackass.*
While most folks might consider a Saturday, especially an eerily gloomy
one, spent in bed to be "fun," in my case it has only been something
approaching "fun" while interesting things were on TV... which this
morning included Jackass, and at this exact moment consists of
nothing... prompting me to hobble out to the old office with my incredibly
painful (with pain radiating) left knee (despite the ingestion of a
massive dose of Prednisone, an equally massive dose of Naprosyn, much
Tagamet and Phenegran to, among other things, keep the steroidal and
non-steroidal anti-inflamatories from ripping apart my stomach, a safe,
but large dose of Valium and so many Soma I, like the late Dana Plato,
lost count, and enough pharmaceutical narcotics to kill a bull elephant,
to write this so-called review.
But first, an interesting thing about how I hurt my knee and thus ruined a
weekend which potentially could have included wild raves and picking up
crazed underaged rave sluts. A few weeks ago I wrote of getting a flat
tire and replacing and eventually writing STUPID STUFF THAT ENDS UP RUINING A PERFECTLY
DULL WEEKEND. Subsequently it got all better.
Then the other day the old reptilian brain took over. See, although the
knee had returned to it's "normal", post- hobby related destruction, I
knew, damn well, that lame as it looks, when ascending a double flight of
stairs, I should take the steps one at a time (good leg goes to heaven,
bad to hell, one step at a time -- cute in babies, not cute with yours
truly). Thursday I passed a woman on these steps -- and mind you I didn't
really get a good look at her and had no interest in her or anything --
but to the reptilian / need to procreate there was a potential mate was in
vicinity and it didn't matter if she's rude and ugly... or that I know
I'll never see her again (and if I did, I wouldn't know her) just that's
she's of child bearing years. It was Darwinianism at its most base
Reptile Brain says "take the steps normally. She might look back!
Like they say, Pride Goeth Before a Fall, and while I didn't fall, at
least that would have gotten me into a hospital, maybe a knew knee and
lots or morphine round the clock.
By Friday it was raining and I could barely walk with the aid of a vane,
but like everyone else in Hollywood, I must take a meeting and if
you've never been to downtown in L.A., you know that parking across
Figueroa Street and dealing with the ARCO towers involves a semi-major
hike (especially if you aren't sure in monolithic tower the meeting is to
be held). Especially in the rain and no matter how many drugs one may
have been swallowed. This ain't Boston where a quick but risky jaywalked
can breeze to his destination.
Hence my consideration of amputation... with a pocket knife; thus going to
bed upon getting home and staying there until it became so boring I, whose
knee is slightly better, have been watching TV all day.
The only highlight (unless you consider a psuedo-biography on Rommel as
real pabulum for the soul) was watching Jackass, show which
made me consider trading in my only unfuckedup limb.
First, the MTV warning that the stunts were professional and/or done by an
idiot, and hence should not be attempted, is meaningless fluff.
Second, Jackass should only be watched by males over 25 (females
can watch anytime.
The "stunts" will probably be duplicated by many male viewer under 25, and
some older, which is or is not to suggest MTV's core audience consists of
a bunch of immature idiots. Few such viewers can stand to live
precariously through the televised antics. By the way, if there's a suit
filed, my expert witness fee is negotiable, and is also up for bid (I'll
be contacting ebay shortly I think... or maybe Priceline, always having
been a fan of Captain James T. Kirk.
Nevertheless, the "stunts" are, for the most part, hilarious enough to
make one want to see the show again. These stunts included:
1. A driver asking directions as a bound man wearing just a jock
strap first makes much noise and then escapes from the trunk of the car to
the horror of the crowd, finally running away;
2. Being inside a PortaJohn¨ which is picked up, turned upside
down and then righted (and then running out like a maniac, much to the
horror of the crowd);
3. A man who acts as a test subject for Pepper Spray, a 120,000
volt stun gun and a taser gun (if interested, the Pepper Spray which most
4. Pushing a shopping cart over the curb in a shopping center with
a man in it, sending the man, limbs akimbo, head over heels into the
whatever ("Now punch me in the head a second before take off to soften the
5. Donning a fake "hard on" under sweat pants and venturing into
many different situations, seeing if it would get a rise, so to speak,
from the public and
6. Intentionally and horrifically abusing a rather lifelike baby
doll riding in the baby seat attached to the back of a bicycle.
Such antics stretched out over a half hour in a succession of well
edited home videos made me slowly forget that my leg was screaming in pain
although they did not leave me screaming in laughter. They were also
mildly educational, because I once had a stun gun and often wondered if it
would work if used (nothing worse than jamming some plastic piece of crap
which says it was made in Korea up against some guy who is about to murder
you and then having to try to joke about how you thought it he would find
your trying to knock him on his ass with it funny). But then at the time
I didn't have any 9 year old friends (and still don't).
Of course, when I was 9 my reptilian brain probably would not have
made me get all macho at the whiff of a passing female of the species and
cause me to end up semi-bedridden for the week end feeling like a total
Jackass... or would it?
*If you're asking if or why I, Bao Dai of Hollywood, have become a pimp
for Viacom, well, I haven't, and if that answer doesn't satisfy you,
try: "I'd like to cash in on some big bucks before I die."