The one good thing about spending at least 26 full days during the year
driving back and forth to work is that you get to listen to a lot of
so-called "drive time" radio. By the time I've made sure my waste
disposal systems are prepared and have made sure everything which needs to
be hidden has been hidden and drag myself to the car I inevitably think
"Hey, Howard Stern's on" and while this doesn't exactly put a spring in my
step it takes about a second off the time in which I wonder whether it's
ultimately worth it to spend every weekday commuting and working (or
pretending to work) just so, after dinner, sometime during a
Seinfeld rerun I fall asleep.
And by that time I'm leaving the garage, shades on my face and Howard on
But I have not come to praise Howard Stern, nor to bury him. People say
he has an offensive attitude, or at best an arrested case of social
development ... me and 50,000,000 others, however, probably have the same
arrested state of development and I think he's funny. I also think it's
funny he has two TV Shows of his radio show which itself is more like a TV
No, what prompted this review or column or whatever the hell is it you do
as Webmisstress Supreme Demetria Monde Thraam called it was a comment made
by HS about the afternoon drivetime DJ on the same station here in LA
(which HS pointed out is a "Howard Stern Format Station") and probably
several other places across the country.
See, this guy... Tom Lycos or Lycas or something has this stupid thing,
worthy of Imus on Viagra, called "Flash Friday" -- the idea is that men
are supposed to drive with their headlights on during his show (at least
until it gets dark at which time what? They turn them off?) on Friday and
"babes" along the highways and byways will show the guy "their rack," and
with luck not cause an accident. Now while I admit I drive home every
Friday with my lights on hoping some woman will display her bodacious
tatas - and I do that because I'm a guy and guys are stupid and for the
same reason I nearly choke to death on my morning herbal and
pharmaceutical Ashramtray full of capsules and pills when I know damn well
they won't do any good.
Tom also holds raucous "Listener Parties" where people are supposed to get
inebriated and meet up for anonymous sex in cheap motels out by the
airport while he "signs racks" (this guy named "Lenny" did that to some
girl at the Y when I was in High School and then allegedly took her
someplace and... who knows, maybe Tom is Lenny or Lenny is Tom. Who
knows, and besides Lenny, who would care?
Anyway, to make life easier on young woman to flash fellow motorists (or
maybe the approach of the end of Daylight Savings Time, or the ever more
common daytime running lights -- which are mandatory in Canada and, by the
way, telling annoying Petition signature seekers outside grocery stores
you're a Canuck works great), Tom is now giving out bumper stickers
encouraging the same sort of activity.
I didn't realize how lame the whole Lycas 101/Flash Friday thing was until
HS mumbled in distaste over the bumper stickers.
Tom's latest thing is giving women a "crack in the ass" (where if they
don't already have a crack, they're in trouble). Indeed, just the other
day they (he and some others) beat a naked girl black and blue and
admitted they got hard doing it. Okay, she liked it and FUCK I'm a big
fan of free speech and all, but I decided to spin (well, push) the old
radio dial (buttons).
I was saddened by the fact that this talk radio nonsense - these HS
Wannabes - have taken over most of the FM bands. In my diligent search
the only good stations I found were good old "we're old now but still too
hip" KROQ and a really cool rap/hip hop station where the DJ sounds a lot
like a Barry White wannabe but at least plays decent music.
No jazz station... no classic rock shit.....
What happened? Well, Howard Stern, like he himself will only be too happy
to tell you, changed the face of radio... unfortunately, he only changed
it for the good during his own show. When he leaves one day it will all
revert to "normal" and DJs will again be pawns of the music industry.
I have conflicting feelings about that, but in the meantime....
EVERYBODY SING: "Jackie issssss a dru-unk!"