Amazing but true, I survived the dastardly attack on the World Trade Center (WTC) -- the attack which shall make September 11 a date which will live in infamy.

And even more amazing is I not only survived the 9/11 attack without a scratch, but I also had the incredibly quirky luck of not even having to cough when that blind guy in the Santa Cap ordered his Jihad soldiers to go out and get a Ryder Truck or whatever and load it full of explosives and set it off in the garage of the WTC.

See, I was a guest in the cheesy hotel which occupies several floors of the WTC -- I shall not mention the name of the hotel, and not, as some might suspect, because of the obvious fact it can't pay me to mention it with the hope that my "endorsement" would bring throngs of tourists and business visitors into its lobby along with groupies offering maids hundred dollar bills for the pillow cases I had laid my weary head upon, and $500 for any towels I didn't steal.

And no, in case you think I'm as cold hearted as my ex-wife, I did not call the joint cheesy because the tragedy made it impossible for them to pay me a nice kick back for giving it a good review.

Fact of the matter is I can't recall the name of the hotel I barely escaped with my soul.

No, a large chunk of concrete did not wing my noggin as I was fleeing for my life, pushing the crippled, elderly and cheap hookers out of the way as the tower collapsed around us. Truth be known, I was a so-called guest of the so-called hotel many moons ago. Had I been there on the Fateful Day I would be buried under the mass of collapsed concrete, steel and glass as I had one hell of a time trying to find my way out of the WTC that first day, and somehow ended up on the train portion of the subway, making an escape through a Maintenance Only Exit that dumped us out about a mile further from our destination than had we simply walked out of the ground level exit of the WTC (naturally the lobby of the so-called hotel was not on the first floor -- at least not as I recall -- but then it was years ago and my Persian Opium intake was up to 2 grams a day at that point (I carried it with me everywhere in my special NYC underwear, which had pockets for cash, wallet, keys and drugs, but you can bet your Johnny Cakes some nice housewife type from Bum Fuck, Iowa staying at the so-called hotel got a serious case of the DTs because her Valium got splattered all over Lower Manhattan in the Terrorist Attack, and it was undoubtedly at that point in her life, when she came face to face with the drug fiend who had been staring back at her from the mirror for years (and then quickly found some Park Avenue doctor to load her up on V-10s what with her nearly being a casualty of two wars (the War on Terror and the War on Drugs) and all . I hope she did, anyway. NYC is no place to be without the drug to which you're addicted, let alone with shit blowing up all around you and all.

Now please don't accuse me of trivializing the tragedy. That would be impossible after nearly a week of constant media saturation -- from CNBC's Sqwack Box coming to us from a closed stock exchange, trying to relate the attack to anything financial to Nightline (which some of you may recall started 21 years ago during the Iranian Hostage Crisis and did so well against Carson and no one they kept it on ever since) being pre-empted for an ABC News Special Report on the situation. I did note Ted was back on the next day and sticking to the agreed upon topic of everyone from Howard Stern to Siegfried & Roy in Vegas and Dee Dee La Cup at Pacer's in San Diego (but that one night of job insecurity, watching some pretty face fill up his time slot because, Damn it, he was scheduled to do some lame thing on Laotian Land Mine Orphans and Damn it, he was going to run it over Roone Arledge's dead body (word is he was told that if he was going to whip out Clause 4729(h)k (ll) of his Contract to force ABC to air his piece, ABC was going to invoke Paragraph 9982561(O)(p)h which requires him to do one show a year without his trademark hair piece (and if things got really tough, subparagraph J of that which requires he wear Sam Donaldson's hairpiece for a week.

Good old Ted was fumbling through his 5 year contract saying "I didn't agree to that!"

And based upon what I've heard non-stop on TV and radio since the Fateful Day, an awful lot of Americans feel either that we* did or didn't "sign up" for Osama Bin Laden's own little idea of a Fourth of July present. That is to say that a sizable number of callers were implying either that:

a. We got what we deserved; or b. They couldn't for the life of them figure out why this happened to us.

This first group is many faceted, and I'd suggest those in it decide which part of the Balkans they want to call home before civil war breaks out, because if it hasn't, it will, and it'll be the Mother of All Jihads.

Among this group are people the likes of Jerry Falwell and other so-called "Christian" Fundamentalists. This particular branch of the family tree think God got mad at us for allowing women to have abortions legally and (I guess, by their reckoning) gave his blessing to the Jihad against Americans as El Shaddai (according to Jerry X in his new book The Kampf of Jerry X or How I Fell Well From Falwell) decided to kick Jesus off the stool to the right of his throne and let Mohammed build a stable for his horse there.

Word on the street (Melrose) is it true Jerry X figures he has all the "right-minded" "Christians" donating as much as they can to his holy coffers (plus this "forgiving God stuff never really fit their philosophies) and thus is making an opportunistic move to pick up Fundamentalist Muslims. With Jesse Jackson hobbled by his Clintonesque testosterone levels and Al Sharpton allegedly paying hush money to Jet to keep those pictures of him enjoying a brief toke on the peace pipe with Marion Barry, the growing African American Middle Class may be perceived by Jerry X as "lost" and looking for a leader to take them that last few miles into the Promised Land -- and Jerry X looks so much more friendly than that Farahkhan fellow. The true agenda of Group A is, of course, to send African Americans (after getting every last red cent out of them) back to a place where they can just be called Africans ... und Das Juden? Yes ... I heard this kind on the radio. Some of them would start off slow, others would just announce their anti-Semitism and get on with it. Typical were statements like: "America deserves this because it supports Israel and those Jews have been fucking with the Palestinians since the rest of the world decided what it really need was one big fucking concentration camp out in the desert and recognized Israel ,,, and it's the Jews who control all the media and the banks and the money and the Koreans who build scores of liquor stores in ghettos and ...." (at this point the Jewish controlled media normally "loses" your signal). Well look, if they're right, I know of a number of Jews who mistakenly were let out of this conspiracy to control the world, so before they take it all and have all the women wearing veils and need color coding to tell which wife they'll fuck tonight (or have executed for bearing a female child or not properly filleting fish, maybe they'd let my friends get their rightful share for like a year or so? God is, after all, for eternity, right? What's a couple years in the scheme of things? Then the various leaders can all go to your own private Wacos and fuck all the little children you want, play guitar, go on 24 hour a day religious TV and write your interpretation of the Bible and/or the Koran, creating a new book -- Der Kampf of Jerry X Volume 2 and things like that -- Super Holy Books making each big fish a prophet and a profit.

See what I mean about Balkanization?

Because it's not just Christian Fundamentalists morphing into Muslim Fundamentalists, but like that guy in the Santa Hat who ordered the first WTC bomb and then wanted his money back? Hey, I don't blame him. They did a crappy job.

Friends phoned from NYC and told me displaced Palestinians are out, blitzed out of their minds on hashish, shopping Alphabet City for weapons of mass destruction. And let's not forget more sheiks then you can shake a stick at, many of whom will want a share of this and organize just like OPEC once they see how well Jerry X fares. Group A is boundless, endless and frankly, no one knows who's a member and who is not.

Then Group B. They don't know what we did to deserve the attack. Well, probably nothing to deserve it, but go look at the whack pack that makes up Group A. Call me anti-Semitic if you want, but in our Republic a lot of powerful Senators come from powerful states where there are powerful Jews and so maybe we have followed our Judeo-Christian heritage in political matters more than the pragmatics of the situation warranted -- but this is a Democratic Republic -- the government is supposed to do pretty much what the majority wants so long as it's constitutional. Does that mean Rudy Guiliani should be ordering up body bags by the thousands? No. Does it mean we should support our C- Student of a President when he goes after these motherfuckers with both barrels firing until the guns are too hot to hold -- and it is a when, not an if (you forget -- I am a government in exile -- plus I have some really hip celebrity type friends and we know shit like that)?

Are you a turtle? You bet your sweet ass. _____________ *Excuse my xenophobia ... while you suck my Big American Dick