<center><p> <b><u>REVIEW OF THE WEEK</u><p> by<p> BAO DAI OF HOLLYWOOD</b><p> </center> <left> DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD 13 AUGUST 2000<p> </left> <center> <b><u>THE JEWISH QUESTION</b></u><p> </center>

Before you send the hate mail: No, I'm not doing a Nazi retrospective.

As those of you who have not been living in a post speed binge haze or who were not too hung over from celebrating the oh so surprising nomination of George "My Toot! My Toot!" Bush may have noticed, Senator Joseph Lieberman, from the electorally insignificant State of Connecticut was chosen by Al Gore as his running mate. Those of you who were not in hibernation have probably also picked up on the fact that the man is Jewish... in fact, not only Jewish, but an "orthodox" Jew, which as far as I can tell just means he observes the Sabbath - granted a slightly different Sabbath than most in the nation - in a more serious manner than have all Chief Executives since the creation of Television, whose idea of "religion" involves a photo op going to church - in Clinton's case a Bible carried like a school book in his hand... what is the man worried about? The Church won't have enough? I am not particularly religious about going to Church, but I can't recall ever needing a Bible in one.

Sorry, back to the Jewish Question at hand as it is, which like old faithful was spurting out of every radio talk show host, poll taker's and would be pundit's mouth exactly 2.26 minutes after Gore's leak of an announcement:

Is America ready for a Jewish Vice President?

Now what kind of stupid question is that? "No. If he is elected it will rain frogs and the Nile will run blood red." Do they think people think Lieberman will dance drunk and naked at official events and devise a national circumcision plan? Support the repeal of Blue Laws (if there are any left... they are laws which require just about everything t be closed on Sundays, which, believe me, used to make Sundays a real drag) and insist on taking away our God given right to not work on Christmas?

Of course "America is ready." What do we need to do to get ready? Buy yarmulkes for all the men? Put a deli in every town? I mean what? Is the Pork Lobby worried or something? Do people think that, in an insane plot to become president he'll reverse the juice moments before Al fires up the National Christmas Tree and then chop the sucker down and outlaw Santa?

Ready, but ready, willing and able to vote for a Jewish Veep? Did Howard Stern hit the nail on the head when he said "Gore shot himself in the foot [in picking Lieberman]?"

No one is going to deny (okay, some Black Muslims and members of the KKK and Pat Buchanan and many who are anti-Semitic) that anti-Semitism exists in this country ... and you better believe every Jew I know is waiting to get in on that massive conspiracy that controls the world (or is it just the just the banks... "Excuse me, Baostein Dai here, lost tribe and all that... glad I stumbled onto this master conspiracy meeting... can I have a bank?"). There are people who believe stuff like that... elsewhere people tie bombs to their bodies and ride bicycle into busloads of Jews... people insist the Holocaust was a fraud (dreamed up by the same cabal which just handed me the keys to Bank of America)... like they took all those horrible pictures at the next trailer park down from where these yokels were raised or something.

Now Gore is no political lightweight -- in fact he sometimes acts like he's taken more left hooks than Joe Frazier, so I assume there's a logic to his apparent political insanity. And when I say "insanity" I am not referring to some threat to his candidacy from the Known Anti-Semitic Community, but from an odd little thing I'd call a "factoid" except I happen to actually know the definition of "factoid" and this isn't one of them:

See, back when I kept a flat in North Beach I was having dinner with two business associates from America's Heartland. One came from Bum Fuck Iowa and the other from some place called "The Quad Cities" (yeah, like Bao Dai of Hollywood would ever admit to knowing where that is, if he did, which he doesn't). Anyway, one of these people had a borderline psychotic obsession with his boss, who happened to be a woman -- a Jewish woman.

Now it wasn't his obsession with her, or the related loathing, because this woman deserves to be loathed regardless of ethnicity or religion (or religious ethnicity). It was that he said "I never met a Jew until I met her" and the other guy said he had not either [Note to Jews Everywhere: Start an Out Reach Program, this woman is ruining your reputation -- trust me, if you were picking an ambassador to represent you in a foreign land where no one knew you, this woman would not be your choice... indeed you'd probably abort the embassy before sending this fruit cake out].

Now I was shocked. In fact I laughed at them, called them liars and asked if they missed cow tipping...

But all seriousness - I mean kidding - aside - that comment itself denotes a mild (to Kryptonite strength?) type of anti-Semitism at work in America's breadbasket. I mean I doubt they'd say someone was the first Catholic they met, or the first Canadian, or first celebrity (which was probably moi -- God I hope they don't admit I was their first... Hef might not invite me to The Mansion for movies anymore... it could ruin my carreer).

I guess fifty million bucks, or multiples of that... whatever George W. and his Republican ATM Machine has gobbled up to spew back at us in posters and "Bush/Cheney" bumper stickers and legions of pollsters can buy a lot... I can't help but wonder if some of that money didn't find it's way into Al's back pocket... I can see Dubya smirking his smirk, saying to his Good Ole Boy Cheney...

Bush: "Hell, Dick, he'll never get elected now with a Jewwwwww on the ticket... America ain't ready fer no Jewwwwww. Pass me the tequila! Yahoooo!"

Cheney: "Here... so, how much did you pay Buchanen to put that colored lady on the ticket... hey, pass me the mirror - all those lines aren't your's"

Dubya: "To hell they ain't - the Reformers - hey, they got them a twofer, huh? [sniffffffffffff]."