REVIEW OF THE WEEK
BAO DAI OF HOLLYWOOD
MAD MAX MEETS TAX REFORM IN SKIES OVER JURAPITA
And the shit goes on.... the shit goes on....
Scoop this shit, Mike Wallace!
BOGOTA, Colombia (YAP) - Colombian police said Saturday that it would continue to spray drug crops using the chemical glyphosate, despite a court-ordered suspension, while the government responds to legal questions.
Generalissimo Gustavo Socha, Jefe of the anti-narcotics police, said, in an interview secretly taped at the Westin, Bogota by Linda Tripp as Paula Jones gave him what he later said was "lousy" head compared to "some chicita who was down here con tu tarde Presidente, that planes would continue spraying plants used to make cocaine and heroin.
Reminded that a Colombian court made a preliminary ruling Friday saying fumigations with glysphosate be temporarily stopped he laughed. "The court is expected to give a final verdict within 10 days, and mucho can happen in ten days, my friend."
"At this moment, the fumigations will have to continue,'' said Socha. "They have not completed work on the grotto I am adding to my vacation villa, so I need the money. But, you know, once there is a final ruling, we will respect the decision of the court -- and not just because I know they will allow them when my adjunct, Jorge, gets back from delivering those suit cases full of Yankee Bucks. I was told so by Juana the prostitute who services the Chief Justice they just ruled this way to make it look like they were doing more than snorting flake off the giant nipples of some of the girls with whom she works!''
The ruling by the Bogota district court came in response to a petition by an organization representing Colombia's native Indian communities, who say the fumigations are poisoning rivers and targeting poor farmers.
"Hey, fuck those Juan Valdezes," exclaimed Socha, explaining governmental policy. "We got to do something to cut supply and drive up the cost. This ain't the 80s when any young hombre with the right connections and an AK-47 could become a millionaire. Let them work for a living for a while like everybody else. This is for the good of the people of my country, whether they know it or not."
Washington is bankrolling the offensive against coca and poppy fields in Colombia through a $1.3 billion regional anti-drug aid package. The U.S. Congress is considering additional drug aid for Colombia - the cocaine capital of the world and a major supplier of heroin.
Copyright 2001 Orange Mars Literary Talent.
Like Generalissimo Socha says, some things are good.
Take The Road Warrior for instance. I own the entire trilogy on VHS, but, much like any Belushi classic, I always watch them when they are on regular TV, and have only rarely, if ever, slide in a tape -- and not because my VCR is choked with bad porn I must keep in the machine at all times in case I get the urge for a cheap thrill, but --
Well, it's not because I like the version of Warrior with the bitchin'est scenes cut out (like where Dog Boy's boomerang lops off the head or hand or something of the gay lover of the biggest, buffest, most well shaven of the Band of Roving Butt Rangers who patrol the Out Back -- or the great Aussie desert or where ever they roar around in their nitro powered funny cars knocking Mel, before Mel was Mel> and getting like over $12,000,000 a film, off the road).
I guess it's because it inflates my already about to burst sense of hipness that I, unlike most people, realize Warrior is the 2nd in an awesome trilogy and you can't really understand all these guys running around looking like Sunday Morning Six a.m. near the corner of Castro and Polk, unless they see Mad Max, wherein Mel loses his family to Aussie Sewer Rats, drinks much Fosters and decides to just drive forever going berserkly after many brazen punks like the antagonists in Warrior, any more than one can fully appreciator how he gets down and dirty with Master and Blaster (no doubt named after the famous 70s cocaine delivery system) in Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome unless they once saw Ike and her getting down and dirty serious style.
So I guess the thinking up to the White House is that if they let me have my part of the $1,300,000,000 (plus) that they are using to spray cocaine and poppy fields in Columbia with bug juice I'd buy a lot of video tapes so I could have them when I'm old and gray and want to force my great grand children to watch something really cool.
Now about that so called Bug Juice. I have it on good and super hip Hollywood sources that actually know people who know people who have snorted coke with Robert Downey Junior and barfed with Ally McBeal (at the same time) that this stuff actually causes the plants to double or quadruple production and has, I've heard, caused the bottom to fall out of both markets.
"The Generalissimo doesn't give a shit about any of the people of Columbia who aren't paying him or on his pay roll," Ms. Jones exclaimed, as she was led away from yet another hotel room crying after being told that the Generalissimo does not want her as a girl friend. "Story of my life," she said. "They may as well put me and Monica on coffee cans and use us as spittoons down at the Rose Law Firm.
Ms. Jones was then belted by Ms. Tripp who screamed something like "Don't queer the deal you dumb bitch."
Now tomorrow I finally go get my taxes done -- well, give the guy my stuff -- I don't want to watch -- but I have some tax reform legislation in mind.
Now this won't make it easier to do them, it will make it harder -- but hey, Viagra is populoar....
Under the Bao Dai of Hollywood Income Tax System, the federal government will be told in January how much everyone earned in the past year. It will then have thirty days to PROPOSE a way to spend say 20% of all that money and using some confusing and arbitrary way of SUGGESTING the amount each of us should pay of that 20%. Then each of us gets told:
"Your total tax bill is $XYZ. Of that, we plan to spend the following amounts on the following things, (see copy of budget enclosed). If you don't want your money going for a certain thing, or think we're spending too much on an item, indicate the amount of your tax money you will authorize us to spend for any item. NOTE: You cannot suggest we spend MORE on something. Half of any extra will be sent back to you as a refund until we pay off the National Debt. Thereafter, half goes to you and half to any charity you indicate.
Of course the flaw in the system -- that everyone will authorize nothing -- is obvious ... but being the crafty motherfucker I am the bill, which is all written and just waiting for a sponsor, allows the government to invest the interest it earns on all the with holding taxes to pay for the salaries of elected officials and stuff like office supplies.