<center><p> <b><u>REVIEW OF THE WEEK</u><p> by<p> BAO DAI OF HOLLYWOOD</b><p> </center> <left> DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD 22 JULY 2000<p> </left> <center> <b><u>STUFF YOU SHOULD NEVER TELL ANYONE</b></u><p> </center>

Dear Abbey/Ann Landers/Dr. Laura/Dr. Ruth/Oprah/Jerry/Queen Latifah et alia get the funk out my face.

{{{{{{{{{Get ready for here I come}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{Get ready for here I come}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{Get ready for here I come}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{Get ready for here I come}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{Get ready for here I come}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{Get ready for here I come}}}}}}}}}}

Didn't that work? You were supposed to hear the Temptations.... surely you heard Eddie Hendrix's near falsetto ringing along the back bone? No? Hmmmmm maybe this software wasn't such a hot idea...

Which brings me to this week's subject.... and, for the record I'd like to say I am not saying that being any of the things described/implied below is wrong, just both you and the rest of us will probably be a whole lot nicer if:

Unless speaking to someone in whom you have absolute trust and confidence, you avoided uttering the following at all costs -- forget "avoid uttering" -- don't even think about them:

1. "What sign are you?" Why not just cut to the chase and say "Let's get it on" in your best Marvin Gaye still alive impression. Whether some woman for whom you lust is an Aquarius of a Libra or Cancer or Taurus is astrologically meaningless_Unless you know where and the exact time a person was born (well, unless she drives a Taurus to the doctor because she has cancer). See, astrology deals with the relationship to the vagina of one's mother to the planets and stars as she's giving that one final push to rid herself of what she has undoubtedly considered to have become an unholy albatross. You'd think it had something to so with the effects of gravity and radiation on the sperm which fertilizes the egg, but it doesn't, and not just because test tube babies would then be allowed to have their destinies preordained, but because it's the celestial version of homeopathic medicine ... okay, go ahead and say it if you want. I hope you wind up decked by her Lesbian lover for being such a transparent guy in a muscle shirt with gold chains;

2. Sort of along the same lines, never ask what appears to be a pregnant mother when she's due because the type of women who don't blimp up evenly over the gestation period tend to look pregnant weeks, even months after the blessed event. Besides, maybe she's unmarried, or carrying a still born child or the Son of Satan...besides, it's always a good idea to just shut the fuck up around any pregnant woman;

3. "I don't like/I prefer/I'm allergic to ___insert name of vegetable/other food right here____" when speaking to someone who is about to serve you a meal, because guess what? Well, if you say that it makes it 99.99% certain you are about to be served that and many, many awkward moments will ensue. if it's just a question of taste, be a man and bear it. If it's an allergy remember many of us actually hire people to turn blue and stumble around the room crashing into everything. Good money. You just got a free dinner... now how about some free entertainment?

4. "You know, if I was gay I'd get funky with that guy." See, that's like saying "If I had the money I'd buy a BMW 700M," which is one step away from saying, "If someone offered me a free BMW, I'd take it," which, following circular logic, means "I want to do the nasty with that guy;" likewise

5. "If I weren't married I'd bang that person." If it gets back to your spouse you may soon find you're not married; similarily

6. "My wife would never cheat on me," because the guy you said it to is probably banging her brains out and everyone else in the room probably knows it; 7. "I'm an alcoholic/drug addict/go to AA/NA/CA/am on methadone (for any reason)/ KNOW someone who is and/or goes to...." Why? Well first, unless you're at a 12 Step Meeting or a bar, everyone will immediately race to hide all their stashed bottles/drugs/axes for fear you'll tear their place apart looking, taking a hatchet to break open any locked drawers or doors, second if you DO find an airplane sized bottle of vodka, and second, they figure you'll say they are a lush and start preaching, or third since no one gives more than lip service to the possibility you still aren't drinking/using, everyone will assume that you're "on drugs" (whether or not that's the case) and that you, like the Communists of old, will sodomize their children in some sort of crazed, Satanic cult kind of way and then dispose of the bodies in your basement, and third, treat you like some kind of social disease around which no fun is allowed and those social invites will fly our the window, and/ or every one will be looking for you to "slip" and doing such things as taking a nap will cause them to say "He's zonked asgain;" or

8. "You won't believe this, but I was arrested for...." because the presumption of innocence is the biggest legal fiction of all and has nothing to do with what anyone other than a jury might ever think about you again in light of your arrest, and your reputation will be forever tarnished if not ruined; or

9. "I smoke pot to relieve my _fili in condition__." No one you know really believes marijuana has medicinal purposes, at least not in your case, and they'll think it's just a lame excuse which allows you to go around stoned out of your gourd morning noon and night (see #7 above); 10. Discuss your religious beliefs because if they are in any way different from those of the person with whom you are having this discussion the person (people) you tell will automatically assume you are saying this just to make them feel inferior and it won't be long until a crazed mob carrying torches and a rope with as noose will show up at your front door to insist you believe in whatever they believe; or

11. Admit you're a lawyer if you aren't trying to drum up business or standing in front of a judge because people think lawyers cause lawsuits, which may be a lot like saying oncologists cause cancer, but people HATE lawyers because they don't understand they probably can't handle even the simplest type of legal problem on their own; or

12. That you like a certain cologne, a particular magazine or sports team... unless you REALLY like them, since if you do announce it, come Christmas, you'll have over as gallon of the shit, and/or two five subscriptions to the magazine and/or or

13. "I want to kill myself/you" because even if you're kidding, the people you tell will have your ass into a mental hospital so fast your head will spin; or

14. Write a Review of the Week in which you tell everyone things like the stuff they should avoid saying at all costs, because people will think you are judging them for not being like you... and that you're a snobbish asshole and they will hate you.