Please note that by "much modern media" I refer mainly to that plethora of
magazines one inevitably encounters near cash registers, although since
joining AOL, Time has added a crossword puzzle, begun shipping out
about 30 "special issues" a year no one bothers to open, repeatedly plays
modern Nostradamus and tells us what it guesses the world will be like
when we're dead and gone and even its potentially interesting stories are
destroyed by bad writing and worse editorial decisions like "Let's put
this all in the first person
present active (if that is a tense... fortunately my educators didn't put
much stock in them and since I don't believe in Time, I know that
particular ignorance sometimes shows in my writing.
Nor do I speak of Rolling Stone which recently ran a cover story
entitled "Can a Boy Scout be Gay?" Of course a Boy Scout can be
gay. Wasn't Jann Wiener a Boy Scout once? Statistically I'm sure there
are lots of gay scouts, and gay scout leaders... it's them Born Again
Quote Christian Endquote pedophiles the BSA ought to and does worry
about. Gay Scouts? Heck, I remember my summer at Boy Scout Camp... Ted
the Gay Scout First Class was probably the most popular guy there after
lights out (although until he got that Martial Arts Merit Badge he used to
get the shit kicked out of him every day, but what do you expect when you
stick a bunch of adolescents surging with testosterone in the
woods?) Again, stupid article (unless he has to stop to bugger some guy
as he's helping an old lady cross the street, any guy can be a Scout), but
not what I'm talking about.
No, I mean the kind of sensationalist headlines that tempt otherwise sane
people to plunk down $3 to read about "Drew Barrymore's pistol packing
mama," or "The
Ugly Truth about Whitney Houston's Battle with Drugs." You've seen them
(unless you're blind, in which case, stop reading this drivel! Go buy a
dog, get on with life!)
Always some outlandish headline... "Ricky Martin's Night with 10
Women"; "What Really Goes on in Howard Stern's Bachelor
Apartment"; "New, Sure Fire Weight Loss Miracle!"
Respectively, these turn out to be Ricky's lunch with Mom and her friends
(tuna sandwiches, iced tea), nothing at all except an alarm jangling at 4
a.m. and "Celery and Carrot Sticks."
As for Drew's pistol packing Mom (Jade), well, I could never find that
story in the magazine, but am guessing it was a 3 paragraph blurb about
her getting some summer stock work in a lip synch rendition of "Annie Get
Your Gun." The "Ugly Truth about Whitney" must be she used all her drugs
before anyone could catch her because the 10 paragraph piece had nothing
at all about her alleged addiction (except to her drunken brawler of a has
What really bothers me is that while I have subscriptions (gifts) to
Time and Rolling Stone I actually bought these other
magazines, although admittedly i was hoping the Jade article had a nude
picture of Drew and I could care less about Ricky or Whitney or Howard
Stern's personal life.
The scary thing is a bunch of people are either as dumb as me and buy this
crap anyway or (worse?) they care about it and (horror of horrors) they
think the magazines in question do not have exaggerated headlines.
Now you might think: "Boy, was that ever a crappy review. You'd think ol'
BDH was running on 5 hours sleep and had wasted an afternoon waiting for
the cable company to come upgrade his converter and the people to move the
wreckage of his past off the spacious patio of the Condo of the Turn of
the Century (as promised by the Nazi Regime he heads up).
No, let's pretend I'm a lot more clever than that and wanted to run a for
shit review to drive home the point about the shoddiness of some of
today's worst journalistic efforts.
Yeah. i like that much better.